One More Time

Meet Cute

Today was finally my day off and I was headed to the mall. My 21st birthday was coming up and I needed to buy a clubbing outfit and then after I was meeting Sara to help her get ready for her date. I really liked going to the mall. I loved being around all the people, getting lost in the crowd, people watching. Just all the interaction in general. Maybe it was because I knew that I would never see these people again so I felt like I could truly be myself without any repercussions. I know what you're thinking, how can there be repercussions for being yourself? 

Well trust me, when people have known you for a while, they start to put you in a box, they categorize you, file you away based on your behaviour; past and recent. So when you do something that they don't expect, that doesn't fit with how they have categorized and filed you, when you do something that does not fit in the box they have put you in, there are repercussions.

I could be myself at the mall. I could walk into the stores I wanted to walk into, could buy the things I wanted to buy and when I interacted with people, say to hold the door open for an older couple (which I did quite often), or having a casual conversation with the sales people, I could just be me. The only downside was that if the mall was filled with people my age, like on Friday's and Saturday's then I got nervous. I don't know what it was but big groups of people around the same age as me made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't belong or couldn't relate. It made me insecure to see all the beautiful 20 something women as they walked around shopping for outfits and talking about their lives, giggling with their friends while the 20 something guys would check them out.

It showed me what I was missing out on. How even though I too was a 20 something year old I often didn't feel like it, I didn't fit in and I didn't relate. But today should be relatively quiet considering it was a Wednesday afternoon. 

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So this is what you meant

When you said that you were spent

And now it's time to build

From the bottom of the pit

Right to the top

Don't hold back

Upon seeing the practically empty parking lot I breathed a sigh of relief, parked near the entrance of the mall, unplugged my phone from my car stereo system where I had been blasting Imagine Dragons, squared my shoulders, and stepped out of my car, walking inside and making sure not to make eye contact with anyone. 

The first couple stores were a miss and I was feeling slightly down as I walked out of my third store, empty handed. I shouldn't have expected any different, it is hard when you are 60 pounds overweight for anything to look good on you and the fact that everything I had tried on so far looked awful was not helping my body image issues at the moment. "Just try a couple more stores." I thought to myself. "It can't get worse and if you strike out today you can try again in a couple weeks."

So I walked into my fourth store with my head hung low, hoping against hope that I would find something that wouldn't make me look like a flat blob. And I did. One of the first things I saw was a long sleeved, see through, black shirt. And as fate would have it right next to it were some strappy, cut out bralettes. I grabbed my size and went to the dressing rooms.