Spilt Poison

Chapter 2

14/01/13

Dear diary,

So I guess I might have been a little wrong when I thought that I was going to get out. That I was actually okay. Turns out I wasn't. I have been in here for two years now, and there has been only the slightest improvement. And that's due to having people around me now; therefore the loneliness side of things is covered.

Missy is still here. Apparently I made her stay. She had planned to leave not long after I first arrived, but I inspired her or something. I'm not much of a listener. Never have been. But Missy is still here and she's great company, even if she's just sitting in the same room as me in silence. She is basically my Mum now.

Every day; at 11am I go to a class with four others and we have to sit and discuss our feelings. It's pretty lame; I guess. But just having people around makes me feel better. Although, getting there and back is a bit of a task. It turns out that I have social anxiety, so getting around when there are quite literally hundreds of people around going for breakfast/lunch etc is a bit of struggle. Thankfully Missy is there with me. She has to be anyway, but it's nice having her there when I need her most. Another upside to this hell hole is that I've found my voice again. Not that I'm a chatterbox now, but I do add in a few words to a conversation if needed. Although I don't really voluntarily speak.

"I and Darren were thinking about what we should be discussing in class today; and we both agreed on something which we have not done before. Although we feel as if you might all benefit from it. So we're going to give it a go." Missy says pretty enthusiastically. Missy and Darren take the class each day.

Uh oh. I'm not good with new things. We usually always speak about the same things. Feelings. Thoughts. Memories. That's it. Nothing more. So I'm nervous. I'm never friendly when I'm nervous. It switches on the anger inside of me for some reason; which is really something that I should get control of.

"Love." As soon as the word leaves Darren's mouth, I shiver.

Love. Ew. I've never loved someone. Except my sister. But I know that that's not the kind of love they mean. They mean for a guy or a girl. Nope. Never felt anything for anyone but my sister. Never felt anything towards myself either. I don't get how people can love themselves. It's something I could never do.

I glance toward the other four boys, seeing that there expressions are exactly the same. Except from Xavier's. Xavier doesn't seem so bothered. The same blank expression lies on his face, not bothering him whatsoever. He doesn't show emotion. Much like me. Although, for the first time in years, I smiled. Not today. Not yesterday. It was a pretty long time ago actually. It was when Missy was telling me about her husband and children and how happy she was at home. But it wasn't really that that caused me to smile, it was when she told me that I felt like a daughter to her. I've never felt like a daughter to anyone. I'd know because both my real mother and my adoptive mother have both told me that I meant nothing to them. Talking of my adoptive mother, I have not heard from her since the day I was brought here. Good. Although I miss Ollie; my sister.

"I'll go first." Darren offers and everyone's attention turns to him.

"When I turned 23," he begins. "I met a girl called Lily. We met at the graduation of my university. It was also her university, but she hadn't graduated yet. It was her brother that was. I was stood next to her for the most of it, and we ended up talking." He stops for a second; smiling towards the floor before lifting his head again. "I asked her to come out with my family to dinner to celebrate. She accepted and then after that; we have been inseperable." He says with so much adoration in his eyes for someone that isn't even in the room. "Now, seven years on, we have a beautiful little boy and a little girl on the way. We were married in 2011, and I still can't believe it." He finishes and we all force a smile.