The Insensible Gangster

Chapter 1

Days Without Her

Isang malalim na buntong hininga ang aking pinakawalan bago ako naupo sa aking swivel chair.

7 years...

7 fucking years of loneliness and despair.

Damn. Ano pa ba ang saysay ng buhay ko. Nawala na siya. Nawala na ang iisang babaeng minahal ko.

Other people tell me that what I felt for her wasnt real.

Just plain affection, that's all.

Pero, fuck, if it was only affection.

Why does my heart still ache for her?

Bakit hindi ako makahanap ng iba? Hindi maka move on? I never tried hooking up or flirting with other girls.

It just feels... Wrong.

Na parang, pinagtataksilan ko si Georgina. Kahit na wala na siya.

All this time, I was faithful to her. Only her.

Ginugol ko ang oras ko sa training at trabaho. I made my life busy. Because in my spare time. All I can ever think about was her.

Kung ano na kaya ang itsura niya ngayon?

Kung magiging masaya ba kaming dalawa?

Kung kami pa rin ba sa huli?

Kung hindi ba ako ganto kalungkot ngayon na wala siya?

So many what ifs, too many questions. Mga katanungan na mananatiling misteryo, kasi kahit ako. Hindi ko alam.

Hindi ko alam kasi wala akong alam.

I stared blankly at the sight of the city infront of me while drumming my fingers.

Kung ako ang papapiliin, I'd rather have my company and office in Elvarie.

Peace and Harmony.

Walang problema.

Walang stress.

Kailan ko ba mararamdaman na masaya ako?

Yung kasiyahan na galing sa puso.

How can I feel not contented after having every other man wants? After having every man's dream?

Pera...

Magagarang sasakyan...

Magandang buhay...

Makisig na pangangatawan at itsura...

A well known bachelor and a cunning business man.

I'm every girls' dream.

But no. Im not. It's not what it looks like.

I'll never be happy again.

I can't and I won't.

Hanggang ngayon. Ilang araw, buwan, o taon man ang lumipas. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan na kasalanan ko ang lahat kung bakit siya nawala sakin.

Kung bakit siya nawala na dito sa mundo ng tuluyan.

I had faith. I had faith that she's still out there. Alive. Breathing.

Pero sa bawat araw at oras na dumaan. My faith grew weaker. Weaker and weaker. Until I lost faith, and my faith seemed to abandon me. 

Alone.

------------------------

Narinig ko ang pagkatok sa akin pintuan.

"Good afternoon sir. Ibibigay ko lang po ang files na kailangang pirmahan." sabi ng aking lalake na sekretarya

Tinanguan ko lang siya at ibinalik ko ang tingin sa malaking glass window ng aking office.

Naramdaman ko ang pag aayos ni Paul ng mga papeles na kailangan kong pirmahan.

Makalipas ng ilang segundo, narinig ko ang pagbukas niya ng pinto.

"Paul, what do you think of me?" sabi ko bago pa man siya makalabas ng silid.

"P-Po? Ano po?" tanong niya pa

"I dont like repeating what I said. Alam kong narinig mo ako." ani ko ng hindi pa rin inaalis ang tingin sa syudad.

Narinig ko naman ang pag ubo niya, na para bang hindi niya inaasahan o napaghandaan ang tanong na ito.

"Sir? Should I answer honestly?" tanong pa nito

"Tell what you must." sagot ko sa kanya.

Hinarap ko ang aking sarili sa kaniya at pinagsalikop ko ang aking mga daliri.

Nakita ko ang kinakabahang mukha niya at ang kaniyang pag lunok.

"W-Well Sir. Matalino ka po, Gwapo, Habulin ng mga babae at Mayaman." he answered

"Is that all?" tanong ko

"That is all sir. Hindi ko po kayang magdagdag ng hindi ko nakikita o nalalaman. I would end up having a sugar coated answer sir." sagot nito

"Are you afraid to lose your job Mr. Nalo?" I asked

"Yes Sir. But I would honestly demand a reasonable answer if I ask the reason why I was fired sir." he said

Napangisi ako.

"Good job Mr. Nalo. Keep up the good work." I said dismissing him

Iniayos ko ang mga papeles na nasa aking harapan.

It was ordered and organized. Bawat departamento ay nasa iba't ibang  hilera. Maayos at malinis.

I started opening some files pero alam kong nasa kinatatayuan niya pa rin siya.

"Is there anything you would like to tell me Mr. Nalo?" I asked not looking at him

Narinig ko ang pagtikhim niya at ang mahinang pagklaro ng kaniyang boses.

"Sir. Thank you for not firing me." he said

"Its nice having you as my secretary Mr. Nalo." I answered

Even though I wasn't looking at him. I was sure that he is smiling like an idiot right now. People like my secretary are easy to please. Sila yung mga tipo ng tao na mababaw ang kaligayahan.

His footsteps started clicking on the wooden floor of my office. Tumigil iyon ng nasa may bandang pintuan na.

I was waiting to hear the clicking sound of the door until he spoke.

"Sir. Please. Whatever you are going through. Dont be too hard on yourself. I cant answer your question a while ago because you dont open up. Free yourself Sir." He said and then left me there alone in my office.

Tinanggal ko ang reading glasses ko at sinuklay ko ang aking buhok gamit ang aking mga daliri.

I cant free myself.

My conscience has been a burden of mine for a long time.

Hindi ko kaya.

Days without her are days that Id rather be dead.

Mas gugustuhin ko pang maglaho at makasama siya.

Kaysa sa bumangon araw araw at maalala na... Oo nga pala. She's gone, and its all because of me.

And I cant even blame anybody.

Because the blame is on me.

 Only me.