하늘은 그의 파란을 잃었다 - The Sky Lost His Blue

빨간 (Red)

I tried to protect him.

There was a part of me that felt the need to shield him from the harshness of the world. But as it turned out there was absolutely nothing I could do against the harshness in people's hearts.

I had really begun to notice it a year into debut, at a time when the hateful people surrounding them began to overshadow the good ones. Stupidly I turned a blind eye, reasoning with myself that it would get better with time. I should have known better, because over the years it only got worse. People who still stuck around to call themselves fans began personal attacks against some of the boys that they liked less than their favourites. While most of the members shrugged it off as being nothing more than an annoyance of the job, Sehun took it with great stress and difficulty.

It was as if he sought it out, as if he was trying to punish himself for a crime that he never committed.

There were times when we sat together both just comfortable in the others presence that he brought up his insecurities. He'd rest his arm over my shoulders and talk about his worries of not being a good a dancer as Jongin or Yixing, of how he'd never be a good a singer like the others and that the fans knew it.

It was on one of his darkest days that he brought up his real reason for being accepted into SM.

"You know the rumour."

I'd looked over at him in confusion.

"The one about me only being accepted into SM because of my looks."

"Sehun..." I'd begun in an effort to sooth him, something I'd found myself doing a lot of at that time.

"Please, don't do that." He gave me a small smile which almost broke my heart. The hurt in his eyes was almost manifested in the air around us. "I understand now that it's true. Because why else would I be in this band? Sure all the guys are good looking, but they have other talents that are more suitable to being an idol than I do. All I have is my face."

I'd stayed silent, knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could say to him that would heal his heart.

"What I don't understand is why they even bother to keep me around now. It's as if they don't want to go through another ordeal like they did with Kris and Luhan."

My eyes had begun to water, and I wiped them quickly, feeling stupid for being the one that was crying. This wasn't about me.

"I wouldn't blame them. Honestly I wouldn't care, because I'd understand why they'd do it." He'd turned to me again with a vacant look in his eyes which caused my heart to plunge into my stomach. "What's the point of keeping an untalented idol around?"

I shuffled closer to him, reaching my hand out for his when he shook his head and stood up.

In times like this I would stroke his arm and tell him that those things didn't matter, that he was his own person and he was just trying to find his own way in the world. I told him that he shouldn't compare himself to his bandmates or anyone else, because he was worth so much more than his negative thoughts were allowing him to feel.

But he didn't let me do that this time, instead he walked away from me, just like he did from everyone else, leaving me with a feeling of melancholy which convinced me that there was nothing I could do.

Because I saw the way that the demands of an idol took their toll on him, but like an idiot I looked past them, because we were all new to this and they became more popular than anyone could have predicted.

I told him that the adjustment to this life would take time.

I told him a lot of things, in a way I forced my own thoughts onto him, tried to reassure him with my views and beliefs.