Stay Sober For Me

+69

On my way home I stopped by Eric's and bought more liquor and a pack of smokes from him with the money I had.

"Hey dad!" I hollered as I pulled in. He ignored me so I went to my room. Fuck I thought, as I realized a hickey clearly visible on my neck. I stared at it more in the mirror and my eyes started getting watery. Why me, I thought. Why couldn't it happen to someone fucking else. I sat in my chair and grabbed my vodka and a smoke out of my bag. I took a shot and lit my cig. A million drags, and 5 shots later I threw my cig out the window and downed the rest of my vodka. I could feel the drunkness in my head as I locked my door. I only smoked when I got stressed and drank when I got depressed purely for Hayden, who hated when I drank or smoked, I wasn't strong enough to hold my promise to stay sober. I was a well behaved drunk and could act sober quite well, so I didn't worry too much about being caught. I sat on my bottom bunk and began to cry. Why her. Why did she have to be chosen to go there. WHY. I past out and the only thing I remembered was grabbing my razors out of my box.

When I woke up the following morning I knew what happened, I could feel it and see it. "Fuuuuuck," I groaned because I told Eric I'd go to the beach with him. I looked at my cuts some deeper than others then I noticed something, very small at the top of my wrists, "Hayden," carved into the very top of my wrists. I grabbed my peroxide from my box, but took a moment to look in my box. I could see a razor blade from my first time, with a piece of tape indicating so, my second time, and every time after that. I take paper towels and my peroxide and clean my wrist. I see my razor sitting on my table and grab it. It wasn't clean blade, I see a little piece of tape on it reading "7" and I grab out my sharpie and add "+69." Thank fucking god I didn't cut as deep then back then, hopefully my wrist doesn't get infected as it probably would with more recent ones. I look around my room and see my empty bottle of vodka and next to it is my journal, I grab it to log last night.

7/10/20
1 smoke
1 bottle of vodka
Cut 13 times

I notice something as I flip through my log. In one month it will be two years since I first cut with razors. I had previously, but rarely with things like exact-o knives, I was different then. I grab my phone to check it and realize I have a missed call from Eric, I call him back.

•Hey dude•
Hey
•Imma be at ur house in ten minutes•
'Kay
•Bye•
Bye

I recently had top surgery so alls I need is my swimming trunks and shirt. I take my testosterone pill and realize it's my last one and I just wasted all my money on vodka and smokes last night. My parents had a deal with me; I pay for my testosterone and top surgery, I can have it, even tho they didn't support me. My phone buzzes so I check it, Eric's here I grab my bag and go.