1201

Day 298081

I cannot mull over my victims. I mustn't. I cannot afford to form any attachments. It is the hardest moral code I have. But it is for my safety. For if I was attached to every single person I took away with me, I would not be able to live with myself. I would surely die, but I guess I deserve that. And I remember that the hardest and cruellest lesson humans learn is heartbreak. It destroys you. Grief consumes you. And you feel as if you're falling into oblivion with no hope of getting out. And though the pain is unbearable, once you have endured it, you become stronger and wiser. That is, if you have endured it. Because the feeling of hopelessness is very destructive. It can burn through your heart like acid and spread through your veins like poison. It makes you feel as small as a parasite, because hopelessness treats you like you're nothing. And, without hope, people actually believe this. Hope makes us feel as if we have a future, and that we will live to see another day. I could debate about that last part, but I cannot rob people of hope, it is not my place. Because hope lets us believe that we are destined for great or fun or beautiful, lovely things, and that our futures are not planned. We can choose who and what we want to be in the future, says hope, because we have control over our futures. I sadly made that mistake. I have no control over my future, I can only reflect on my malevolent past. I live in the present, because my future and my past are both hopeless. At least, that's what hopelessness has made me believe. And unfortunately, I do not think I can change my perspective. I have tried for many, long, hard years, but I cannot possibly see a better future for me. Death would be a blessing for me, and I long to one day be accepted into the admittance ward, instead of heading past it towards my office. This life is not one I love. This world is not one I love. This thing I have become is not one I am proud of. I wish I had not chosen to live instead of die. I should've died like a normal human. But I am human no longer. My heart has hardened unwillingly and my morals have been adjusted. My mind has strengthened through force and I am calmer and far more emotionally stable than a rational human would be in this situation. I am a murderer. And I have dealt with that fact. I intentionally hurt people. I have lived through that. And my heart has been broken too many times to count. But I cannot change that. I live in the present, to prevent myself from falling into a state of hopelessness. I cannot change the past, and I cannot change my future. And I have accepted that. It has taken many long years to make me submit to doing this kind of work without protest, but my soul is steel and my humanity has fled. I live with a supressed feeling of hopelessness residing in a cage in the dark recesses of my mind. I have learnt to adapt to heartbreak and pain and cruelty and hopelessness, and all of the above. But I try to supress these feelings, because otherwise I would risk letting my fear get the better of me. I try my best to avoid these dark feelings or else risk my survival. And so I am forced to be one of the fittest, who will survive.

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