River & Colt [Completed]

18. Before

unedited 

18. Seventeen

Colt

River isn't River anymore. It is such a strange statement but the girl I knew isn't there anymore. Instead she's a robot or maybe a ghost. She is translucent, a walking storm cloud. She isn't Vi anymore. It is killing me little by little.

I can't even get her to look at me in the hallways at school. I've waited outside her classrooms, sat outside of her house, I've called and texted and tried to be there for her.

"Give her time," Kenzie says as we walk into the school. The air is warm and thick and I feel like I can't breathe. It might be because I am so sick of Mackenzie telling me to wait and that she'll come around. I just don't think she will. 

River has given up on us and this town and who she is. And I don't give up easily. I won't give up on her.

School has been dragging ever since Vi disappeared from my side. I just stare at the clock and countdown the seconds until I'm back on the baseball field. At least that is where I still feel like myself. When Vi left I think I lost some of myself too. It's fucking pathetic to think that she could have such an impact on my life.

But I'm in love with her. And I never thought I'd be the type to fall in love in high school. Before River I had a stream of girls coming in and out of my life at lighting speed. I haven't even thought of my old life when River was in it. 

I see River briefly walking into the library with Kenzie later on in the day. I feel the urge to follow them but I don't. I need to figure out how to give River space while still allowing her to know and see that I'm still here for her. That I still want her.

"You ready for the game?" A few people say as they walk by. I give them generic answers and try to get my head on straight. I need to do well in this game because I have a few scholarship offers on the table. I can't screw this up. 

***

It's hard to think about myself and my future knowing that River is hurting as badly as she is. I try my hardest to clear my head as I sit on the bench in the locker room. I already have my uniform on and I have my head resting in my hands. Just think of the game, I tell myself.

The familiar smell of sweat and disinfectant fill my nose and the sound of a baseball hitting someone's glove is enough to get my head in the game. I need to focus on the smells, the sounds, and not the empty seat on the bleachers that Vi used to sit in.

"You got this," Tyler, my teammate says. I think about all of the parties and things I've missed out on while being with River. It makes me realize that being surrounded by tons of people doesn't make a person less lonely. The loneliness is just masked. I didn't realize I was lonely until River and now I'm back in the same space as before her with not buffer and no safe place to go.

Fuck. I almost scream but I control myself because Coach is talking to us about nonsense. Coach enjoys giving speeches that make little to no sense but they are tradition. I don't know what I'll do in college without these pep talks before games. 

"Sometimes in life we have to decide if we are going to sink or swim. Sinking is easy, letting the water take you down and letting the darkness take over. It's swimming that's hard. Getting up and fighting for what you want or who you want." Coach says and I feel like he is saying this to me only. Like maybe he can see into my brain and see that it is only filled with images of a girl with blue eyes and the prettiest smile I've ever seen.

"Let's have a good game," he finishes and we all cheer and head out to the field.

I pitch ball after ball. Strike outs and fast balls. I can feel the ache in my arm as I throw and throw. The pain is nice, it lets me know how my body can still work and function while my heart and head is off in space.

But then it's blackness and heat. So much heat traveling up my arm, my shoulder set on fire. Fire, fire, fire. The burning doesn't stop. I can feel myself hit the dirt, can taste it in my lungs. I can hear voices and smell the popcorn from the concession stand, but I still can't see anything but blackness and redness from the fire in my arm.

"We need an ambulance," I hear and I wonder if it's for me. I wonder if the pain will stop and suddenly it does. The heat dissipates and I can't feel a thing. 

River, River, River, I think then I think nothing at all.

I open my eyes to a white room and a constant beeping noise. Kenzie is standing over me with green eyes and a pale face. She looks like she might puke on me and I flinch waiting for it to happen. Kenzie puked on me during our birthday party when we turned four. She ate too much cake and let it all out while we were looking at our gifts after the party ended. I cried and my mom bathed me twice to get the smell off my skin.

"How're you feeling?" Kenz asks and I can tell something's really wrong. Mackenzie is positive and never looks like this. Now she looks like she might cry instead of puke. 

"Fine," I say my voice thick and tired. I'm tired and sore and heavy. I feel heavy and drunk.

She nods and I see my parents standing with a doctor. 

They all begin talking and their words slur together and I can't figure out the meaning. 

Injury to shoulder. More testing. 

No more baseball. For the season? Forever? 

Baseball, baseball, baseball.

Who am I without baseball and without River? 

Hey all!

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