Warning: self harm trigger, please click off if you are affected by reading about it❤️
(Tobin's POV)
Christen Press. What comes to your mind when you hear that name? Just pick a few words. Let me guess, you chose something along the lines of nice, pretty, sweet, innocent, funny... the list could go on and on. Christen Press wouldn't never hurt a fly. She is just so...sweet, right? Wrong.
I yawned out of exhaustion as I pressed pause on the tape. It's Christen's. What else could be on here? I checked the time on my phone. 12:03am. I just finished Stephanie's tape and I'm still sitting on this bench. Whatever. I'll keep listening. Who's going to stop me?
*** (Alex's POV)
I really get sick of all these parties. We're athletes, not movie stars. However, this one is the most important. It's to celebrate the retirement of Lauren Holiday, or as I will always know her, Cheney. I finished my outfit with a pair of silver earrings and headed out the door.
I want to be there for Lauren, but my mind is still in a completely different place. The whole thing with the picture still hasn't blown over. People are so focused on figuring out who it is. It's like we're in high school again. People are so immature and will do anything for drama. I truly can't wait for this victory tour to be over.
~
"Alex! I'm so glad you made it!" Yelled Lauren as she hugged me.
"Wouldn't miss this for the world," I replied with a smile. My smile soon faded when I noticed who else was here. Clint Dempsey, and his lovely guest José. My heart sank.
Lauren left to greet other guests, and I stood there awkwardly until someone else approached me. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me that million dollar smile.
"Hey Tobin,"
"Hey Alex. You ok? You look kinda sad," she asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine, thanks Tobs," I lied, plastering a smile on my face. She knew I was lying, but she just patted my shoulder before walking away. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Will I ever make it through tonight?
Things are going smoothly. I've been making small talk with some people, and we just got done giving our speeches about Lauren. I gave a short one, I really liked it and I think it meant a lot to her. Maybe I can get home without a disaster tonight. I walked over to the drink table and grabbed a cup of punch. I heard laughing behind me, and I knew whose voice it was. Stay calm Alex.
"Hey Morgan. Think I could get any of this?" He asked. I whipped my head around to see José looking at his phone. He showed my the picture. It was the one of me and Christen. Christen was standing behind him with an amused look on her face.
"What?" I asked stiffly.
"Oh come on Alex," he whispered, inching closer, "any idiot can tell that's you. No one else has legs that nice," he said, laughing.
Christen joined in.
"Of course it's her. Everyone else knows too. She told me that they did a lot more than kiss..."
"Oooooh! Damn! Wish I could've seen that!" José exclaimed.
"It's not me!" I said. There was a huge lump in my throat. José crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows.
"Lesbo," Christen whispered, cupping her hands around the sides of her mouth.
"Hey Christen! Lesbe friends!" Said José, cracking up. Christen lost it too. Many others in the room had overheard the conversation and were laughing. Even people I trusted not to turn their back on me.
I sprinted into the bathroom, the tears pouring down my face. I'm such a crybaby. How come all I do is cry? I should have screamed that the other girl in the picture is Christen. But it was like I couldn't say anything. Why did Christen do this to me? Now everyone hates me even more. I heard a pounding on the door.
"Alex! Open up! It's me, Tobin,"
I sat down silently against the door and hoped she would just leave.
"Al, please. I just want to help. You have to let me in," she said sadly. I leaned my head against the door and placed my hand on the cool metal.
I reached for the door handle, but slowly inched my hand back down. I can't let Tobin know how broken I am. She doesn't deserve to deal with me.
~
It's been a few days, training is back in session for the national team, and luckily no one has mentioned the picture. It still doesn't make me rest any easier though.
Everyone was finishing up in the locker room but Christen was having trouble untying her cleats. I waited behind and once everyone left, I approached her.
"Look Christen. I'm going to try to be reasonable with you. I think I know what's going on," I said. She looked up from her cleats but said nothing. I took a deep breath and continued.
"I know what it's liked to be judged for something dumb, believe me. All anyone ever does is judge me. But you can't let that stop you from doing whatever the hell you want. Christen, are you um, are you gay?" I questioned.
"What!? Of course not!" She screamed immediately.
"Christen stop. It's ok. I won't tell anyone,"
She dropped her shoulders and sighed. I could tell she was trying not to cry.
"It's ok. There's nothing wrong with being gay. But for you to belittle me in public because of your own insecurity? That's messed up. Whoever it is Christen, go after them. Don't be afraid of what people think because it doesn't matter. It really doesn't." She got up and walked out without another word.
I really hate her. But if me telling her to pursue her gay lover means she will leave me alone, I guess it's what I'll have to do. I opened the door and the warm air hit my face. I turned the corner, but something caught my eye the other way. It was Christen. She was talking to Tobin. I narrowed my eyes. She looked down, said something, and looked back up nervously. Tobin broke out into a huge smile, and before I knew it, their lips were connected. Christen grabbed Tobin's hand and they ran around to the other side of the building.
I got in my car and put my keys in. I almost couldn't turn them because my hands were shaking so badly. I don't know why I'm crying. I pulled out of the parking lot and began the long drive back to my hotel. As I thought, I realized why I'm upset. I've never really been able to accept true love when it happens to me. Tobin was always just, Tobin. But part of me knew that she was more to me. I would never admit it to myself though. And now, my good deed turned into brutal heartbreak.
*** (end of flashback)
(Tobin's POV)
I threw the tapes back into my bag and drove home. I'm just angry. At everything. At myself, at Christen, at Stephanie. Nobody fucking cared. And now we all have to pay. I didn't try hard enough. This is my fault. I threw my backpack on the floor and kneeled down with it. I just cried. I wailed like a little child for God knows how long. My life has lost all its meaning.
My soccer career isn't really going anywhere, I'm not in love with Christen anymore, and I'm the reason the only person I've ever truly loved is dead. I know what I have to do. I wiped my face and tiptoed into the bathroom. I'm not sure if Christen is home or not. I grabbed the razor blade from under the sink and held it to my wrist. I looked at myself in the mirror. I thought about the life I could have. The family I might have one day. Kids maybe. But for some reason, that doesn't make me want to stop.
I pressed down and made a cut. Then another. Then another. I watched the blood spill onto the counter. They aren't deep enough for me to die. But death is what I want. I looked at myself in the mirror. I have never seen a more raw version of Tobin Heath. My hair is messy and my cheeks are red and splotchy. I held the blade up to my neck slowly. I smiled to myself, knowing all the pain and suffering will be gone. I will get to be with Alex.
It all happened so fast. I pressed down with the blade.
"STOP!" A voice pleaded. I opened my eyes, turned around, and for just a second, I saw her. She was wearing a long white gown, and her face was pale. But I blinked. And she was gone. I dropped the blade and gripped the edges of the sink. My tears fell onto the marble counter and mixed with the blood from my wrists. Life, mixing with death.
