November 4th

Doorway

Him.The face , I claw at his flesh, stab at his eyes, he eats too much mental time of mine. A leech sucking at my blood , the dreams I have, soaked underwear, damp with sweat and white liquid. Tongue sawdust before he came. Then I am inhabiting him, swallowing his words like soft chews, crunching them in my mouth, turning them to liquor till his mouth has no secrets. In the nighttime when the nightingale weep for me, for there is no medicine for this, a fever that makes you wrestle carelessly in your bed, poke holes between your thighs and massage your nipples in a haze. "Your avoiding me," he spoke, when I arrived at the bus stop. I hate my hair. But I'd played with it today. The way the other girls do, stroked at its gentle curls before an anger over took me. Then I began to swipe at its soft layers of midnight cotton. I was turning into one of those girls. You know the ones, who barely recognise their own reflections. Whose eyes shine like silver coins worshipping the gods of their own reflections for they have breasts now, and breasts fascinate such opposite things. I once stayed up real late at Figs house, we didn't mean to watch it, but we did. I saw the strangest thing on tv, it was at ten thirty in the evening Friday the fourteenth of February, I remember it because my aunt said she was coming to visit and mum starts transiting on about medications, and how her well-being hadn't been so great. Her well being was fine to me. Anyway that word doesn't make much sense to me, I guess life has thrown some obstacles it's the simple things that confuse me. Most people who talk well being, seem perfectly fine, but they always make like the stress is breaking them. Anyway so I digress, tv's on, and there are two women you know touching each other. I thought if I ever saw it it would freak me out, two women pashing , but Billy and I looked at each other and he says it again. " Sink or swim? "

"Huh? There's no Teddy bear Bill just us."

" trust me," he says " the mess is everywhere." I look around me in horror the walls are splattered with blood. There's a brown teddy bear with its arm missing covered in yellow sick and a body laying on the floor. It's a teenage girl in denim jeans and a blue shirt, I feel the rush of blood and panic rise to my head, a band is playing in my skull. When I turn the body over I recognise the girl instantly....I wore that outfit two weeks ago.