bluebird {h.s. - au}

.18

okay so i only have two more chapters to this and it's just so difficult you understand.

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I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.

Run away.

As fast as you can.

Because, somewhere between going to Auntie Ida's house and coming back to Roselands- in the space of those few delicious weeks, I uncovered a longing I had. I have always wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Life isn't black and white, sometimes it's a bit messy and unclear.

That was my life. 

It wasn't until midnight that things started to go wrong. I had fallen asleep with Harry on that bed that overlooked the road; fallen asleep like it was my last night with him. And I had no idea what I was doing, or what we were going to do.

Still I slept.

I awoke to Betsy shaking my shoulders furiously, a candle in her shaking hand and hair all loose on her shoulders. "Ella," she whispered in a shaky voice. "They've found out."

My stomach turned. I heard the dogs barking and the men shouting. They had found the whipping shack- empty. I turned to Harry and gently woke him up. 

I said nothing; still he knew.

Betsy motioned to the closet. "Hide in there," she said selflessly. I chewed my lip and looked at Harry, but he was too weak. This was my choice; I had to call the shots now.

"I'll distract 'em," Betsy continued. "Heck, when I was four, I hid from my older sistah for three months."

I allowed myself to smile but shook my head. "I can't let you do that," I explained. "What if they find us? You'll get punished."

Betsy's lips quivered. "S'okay, child." She sniffed and wiped the heel of her palm over her face. "I've watched you grow up, ever since you were a wee lil' thing." Sniff. "I hafta protect you, baby girl."

I held her tightly, shoulders shaking. It didn't matter that dogs were barking, men were shouting, and evil was in our very sights. Betsy- pure and selfless Betsy. She had come so close to freedom. So close, just to have it all taken away.

Because of me.

I led Harry to the closet, holding him up and letting him lay his head down in the crook between my shoulder and neck. He was so weak; so incredibly drained and exhausted from the whipping and crude wagon ride to Roselands that I could barely control the tears.

I heard footsteps, echoing closer and closer towards our hiding spot. 

The wind howled.

The footsteps sounded again, louder, pounding towards the small barrier that held us between them, perfection against the harsh realiy of the world. Harry moved, decidedly becoming strong once more. Even though it was painful, he sheltered me in his arms, pulling me closer to him until I could scarcely breathe, but it was better than being alone. I felt safe, yet insecure in his arms. Warm, yet cold. Because, although a part of me was ecstatic that he loved me- for me- I knew better than to get my hopes held high. For evil lurked on the very other side of the door, and this moment would only last for a moment. Life is not made up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years, but of moments. You must experience each one before you can appreciate it. 

This was one of my moments.

In that instant, he buried his face in my hair and whispered raspily, "Do you love me?"

I snuggled closer to him, planting a kiss on his jaw. "Of course I do."

"Then you need to run."

My heart beat faster. This was not a moment I wanted to experience. "N-no. Not without you."

He gave a laugh that sounded a tiny bit more like a sob. "Yes, baby. You need to run- run faster than the wind. And when you find your wings, fly. Okay, baby? Fly away,  bluebird."

I found his green eyes in the darkness and swallowed hard. He was serious. This was the moment of impact in my life where everything tilted upside down until I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. Couldn't do anything but remember that this moment- our moment- may be the last one we ever share.

do you cry because i do.