Toxic

When it Started

After I heard the door of our apartment close, I immediately slumped into the chair on our balcony. Even though he was gone, his presence still lingered in the air, surrounding me, choking me. 

I was confused.

Julian said they just talked and he hadn't hurt her in anyway. Physically at least. But it doesn't erase the fact that Sasha came home a different person that day. I've known Sasha for 5 years, and I've only known of Julian until a couple of months ago. Who do I trust?

I don't want to betray Sasha in anyway, but I don't know for how long I would be able to lie to myself about how Julian makes me feel. New York City is a big city and with all the girls eye-fucking him, he'll hopefully forget about me. 

I hear the door knob jingle from inside, and I immediately get up from my chair.

"Sam!! We're home!" I hear Sasha scream at me followed by a giggle and a small crash.

I somehow get myself to face Sasha after meeting Julian for the first time, and manage to say a small hello.

"Hey girl, you're not dead. Congrats." She says to me slurring her words." We brought you a shawarma ." She giggles. 

"Sasha, I need to talk to you alone" I said meekly. I didn't know how I was gonna start or end this conversation, but I couldn't keep lying to her. If she's mad at me then so be it, I only ever wanted what's best for her. 

"Okay? Let me just wash up real quick." She said with a confused look adorning her face.

"Yeah, mhm." I said with sad undertone in my voice. The guilt made my body feel heavy, as though a thousand bricks were sitting on top of my chest, weighing me down. Although I felt guilty, I could still feel Julian's warm breath and lips lingering on my body. 

Sasha came back clad in pajama shorts and in a oversized hoodie. 

"I'm gonna make some sleepytime tea to help me go to bed, wanna cup?" She offered with a drunken grin.

"No, but could you actually just come sit with me right now. I really need to talk to you about something important." I said.

"Sam, what's wrong?" She inquired. The concern in her voice, made me feel like I had a toad in my throat, and my eyes began to burn.

"What happened to you, that night. I need to know. You haven't been the same. You stopped doing the things you love and are constantly pushing anyone who tries to get close to you away. I love you and I just need to know what happened, because I think I made a huge mistake." I said with my voice cracking.

"Is that why you've sat me down. I told you a million times, nothing happened. I just needed some self-reflection and I can't do that with people nosing around my personal headspace." She said.

"Yeah I see that, but I just don't think it's been benefitting you the way you think. Please just tell me so I can just fix it with you." I say with tears welling up.

She looks at me and I can see something cross her face, but I'm not sure what it is. She shifts  her position on the couch and lets out a big sigh. Her hands come together at her lap and she looks up at me and I can finally see the haziness in her pupils.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you. It's nothing significant or super traumatic, but, it's been eating away at me for the past couple of months. I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess I just felt ashamed - or -or - I don't know, it's not really my fault at all." She said while fiddling with her fingers.

"Yeah, alright, Sash, you can tell me anything, and it would never change how I feel about you." I said softly.