Of The Dark

Chapter 5

"Is Mama going to come back soon?" Lola asked, hope glistening in her eyes as she cuddled me tightly.

"I... I don't know." My voice was breaking as I pulled her closer to me, resting my chin on her head.

I was ten when she was born and I leaped with joy at the news of a sister. Being an only child was lonely, especially in an inner city area where great grasslands to play with friends were practically nonexistent. She was all the family I had left.

Here I was, now, having to lie to her because I was too scared to overtake the role of her mother, our mother, knowing I could never live up to her. She made me feel safe even when our hands were in shackles and we were watching our house be torn to pieces. She made me feel assured everything would be fine after witnessing my drunk father being shot in the head in our very kitchen.

Now, I couldn't even convince myself that we were going to be remotely okay.

When the alarms rang to commence the day, I went straight to work cutting vegetables after telling Lola that she should not worry about Mama. Right now, I couldn't bear how she would react to the news that the woman we both looked up to died in excruciating pain with one nurse by her side with only weak painkillers to offer.

The kitchen was quiet, contrary to the usual morning buzz, since both Herr Diedrich and his father were out. Alone in the silence, I was overwhelmed by the overflowing anger and resentment in my system.

Anger and resentment at myself.

I should have been with Mama. Even if her death was inevitable, I should have been by her side through every moment of the pain. I should have been there to convince her she would be alright like she had done for me countless times.

But I let her down.

Instead, I was with the man who spent a night defacing my virtue and insulting my identity. An entire night, I laid peacefully by him, telling myself he was vulnerable just like me.

I felt guilty.

It wasn't even him to blame. He was drunk and angry and although it was just a small chink in his armour, I perceived it at a greater magnitude and let myself be fooled by his alter ego. Guilt swarmed the hollow of my heart, poisoning my tears and weakening my bones.

I slept in his arms and convinced myself to feel comfortable there because my mother was too sick to make me feel the same.

He hurt me. He hurt me in multiple ways. But I stayed with him knowing my mother was in pain. How could I have done that?

"He raped me." I whispered into the empty air.

I felt a stab in my chest as I said it out loud for the first time. He raped me. He said I was not German and I spent the night sleeping in his bed because he said sorry. I was pathetic.

"Who?" I jumped as Hans appeared at the doorway, accidentally cutting my head with the knife in the process. I hiss at the sudden sting. I turned to face him, shocked, the same look mirrored on his face.

"Hans, I didn't see you there." Noticing the cut was deep, I wrapped a dishcloth tightly around my hand in attempt to stop the bleeding.

"Who hurt you, Hana? Herr Diedrich?" I hesitated. I was shaking. He picked up on both. "Look, I'm sorry for what he did to you but you can't tell anyone. If anyone finds out, Herr Diedrich will kill you. He's untouchable."

He looked at me solemnly. I was too anxious to tell anyone what happened knowing this is exactly how I would react. I really did not want anyone to know.