10 Reasons to Love Dan Howell

two

Phil opened the door to the flat, six bags of groceries in his hands, out of breath from all the stairs he'd climbed. He dragged them to the kitchen, opening the glass door with his shoulder, then gasping at the sight of empty food containers strewn about. And no sign of Dan.

"No." He mumbled under his breath, dropping the bags and running to the bathroom. He found the door unlocked and opened it to a sight he had never wanted to see again.

Dan was sitting over the toilet, crying his eyes out. He watched as his crying boyfriend shoved his fingers down his throat again, only to dry heave. He let out a loud sob.

"Dan, baby." Phil whispered. Dan turned, his face red and blotchy with tears.

"You weren't supposed to see this!" He cried, crawling backwards. Phil slowly moved toward him. Dan curled into himself, sobbing. Phil knelt down beside his boyfriend, gently taking the boy into his arms. Dan melted into Phil's touch.

"I'm so sorry Phil." He cried, gripping onto Phil's t-shirt. "I know you wanted me to get better but I just can't. I'm so fat. I'm so so fat. I can't stand it anymore"

"You are not." Phil held back tears and pulled Dan into his lap, hugging him closer and tighter. "Dan, you are so beautiful."

Dan shook his head, keeping his eyes down, not able to look at his boyfriend. Phil sighed and wrapped his arms tighter around the crying boy. He knew he wouldn't be able to convince Dan otherwise, at least not now.

"I love you." Phil whispered, kissing the top of Dan's hair. "I can't watch you do this to yourself."

"Please, no." Dan cried. "I'm so close to being skinny. I'll be perfect, for you!"

"You are perfect Dan!" Phil said, tears filling his eyes. "And I know I can't make you see that right now, but I love you so so much. You have to know that what you're doing is dangerous and I can't lose you. I can't take that chance Dan, I'm sorry but I love you too much."

Dan took a shaky breath, finally looking up at Phil, who's heart broke at the sight of the other boy's tear filled brown eyes.

"You understand, don't you?" Phil asked quietly. Dan nodded slowly.

"Okay." He said, leaning down and kissing Dan's forehead. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Phil stood up, Dan still in his arms and began to walk to his bedroom. Phil wasn't exactly the strongest person, so it shocked him even more when he was able to lift Dan without much trouble. He set his boyfriend down on his bed, got him a change of clothes, and handed them over. Dan nervously played with the hem of his sweatshirt.

"Do you have to watch?" He asked quietly, avoiding Phil's eyes once again.

"Hey," Phil said quietly, sitting down beside Dan on the bed. "It's just me. Okay?"

He took Dan's hands, still at the end of his sweatshirt. Dan nodded slowly. Phil pulled the dirty sweatshirt up and over Dan's head, revealing the boy's thin torso. Phil drew in a shaky breath, holding back tears at the sight of Dan's prominent ribs and hipbones, hollowed-out sides, and completely flat stomach.

How could he not have noticed?

Dan noticed Phil's horrified expression and immediately began to tear up.

"This is why I didn't want you to see me." He said quietly, a tear rolling down his face. "I know, I'm disgusting. You want to leave me, don't you?"

"No, Dan." Phil said, reaching out and pulling him into his arms, just as he had earlier. "I'm not going to leave you. You are so beautiful, inside and out."

He laid the thin boy down on their bed and played with his hair until Dan had stopped crying.

"So beautiful." Phil whispered. Dan shook his head again.

Phil sighed, tears threatening to spill once again. How could someone so amazing see themselves so horribly? "How many times do I have to tell you I love you for you to believe me?" He asked, laying down beside Dan. 

"I just can't possibly see why you would." Dan mumbled.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling his small body close, scared that if he let go, Dan would fall to pieces.

"There are so many reasons to love you, Dan Howell." Phil whispered. Neither of them said anything after that. They just laid quietly, until both were asleep, one determined to help the other get better.