True Reflections: Scars Saga 3

It's Not Fair, but it's Life

Chapter 8

It's Not Fair, but it's Life

I let the cool night air wash over me as I stepped out onto the tower. It was two days after my panic attack and I was back at Hogwarts. I'd arrived less than an hour ago and after a check in with Poppy, the first place I visited was the Astronomy Tower.

My eyes were still slightly heavy from Remus' sleep charm, and my mind was over crowded with thoughts. I needed to clear it. The only way I knew to do that was through star gazing.

I looked up at the clear night sky. And of course, the first constellation I spotted was Canis Major. I was immediately filled with sadness and regret.

12 August 1995

(late evening hours)

"I can't stay here, Sirius," I said softly, my voice hoarse.

Sirius looked up and I was struck with how much pain was carved in his eyes. It brought tears to my own.

"We knew this day was coming. We knew I'd have to return to Hogwarts."

"I know. I just thought we'd have more time together," he said.

He sat down next to me on the bed, sullen and somber. After my panic attack I'd slept nearly the whole day thanks to Remus' charm. I was mortified that Remus had been the one to stop me from leaving. I don't remember anything I may have said, but for some odd reason the words "I love you" were fresh on my mind. Merlin! I really hoped I didn't tell him I loved him.

Sirius was no help. He said Remus had pulled me aside into one of the front rooms and silenced the door, so no one else could hear my screams. I guess I was glad for that, but I was still ashamed of my weakness and had not left my room since waking. In fact, Sirius was the only one I had allowed in to see me. Remus, of course, was gone; I'm sure he had left at the first opportunity. And Jonathan...

Jonathan...

"Maybe," Sirius started, breaking me from my thoughts of Jonathan. "Maybe now that it's been let out, you'll be fine. Maybe you don't have to leave."

I started shaking my head before he even finished. "It's like having to pee when you've had too much to drink. Once you break the first time, it's harder to hold off a second time."

"What if..."

"It's been a month since I've seen the stars, Sirius. Did you realize that? They were always more than just stars to me, and it's been a month since I've seen them."

There was a short pause as though he was thinking. And then...

"What about the Burrow? We could move there. They don't really need me here, and it's in the country so you could see the stars every night."

"Sirius..." I choked on my tears. He really wasn't making this easy. "If I could hide out all summer at the Burrow, then I'd already be there."

There was another stretch of silence. We had considered the Burrow as Headquarters very early on in the summer; however, Peter knew where the Burrow was. The risk was too great.