the perimeters of a broken being

past tense

i was walking down the street today and the sky looked ready for a downpour. i was passing by your house when you called my name.

hey, how are you? you asked, just like the old times.
but for once, unlike the usual, i responded, terrible.
though you were surprised, you asked me why?, and so i responded,

"well, i fucked up. at life, at myself, and at all the people around me. i just, all i had to do was keep them. i had you and, well, i fucked up. i got scared and ran away, i... look, i dont know. whered i go wrong? when did i start to swell up with pride? when did i start hearing more and more 'why are you so heartless' and less and less 'you understand my problems so well'? why is it that now that i showed who i really am, the voices suddenly got louder... and then completely stopped, leaving me all alone? i fucked it all up. and theres no more 'second chances'. theres no going back. i lost you, and, damnit, everyone else. the other day, someone told me to never talk to them again. that if i was going to break down their walls, i shouldve at least stayed. but i did, you know? i tried my best. i broke down my walls for them too, but i guess that didnt matter. and here i am now, after fighting with someone that said i was their close friend. but was i really, if they complained to me about how they lost everyone they loved? im everybodys 'that girl i used to be close to'. im stuck in their past tense. but you know, you know what? im done. maybe i am better off on my own. it doesnt matter anymore... but thanks for listening anyways."

and the rain finally started pouring down, but you werent there next to me, the way you were before. and i continued walking in my regret as i thought about how i shouldve said all that back when you were still by my side..