True Purpose

c h a p t e r 33

Zaynab walked back to where Rumaysah and the girls were, trying hard to blink back the tears that had clouded her vision. When she reached them, Rumaysah looked up at Zaynab curiously.

"Zaynab, dear? Are you alright?" She asked.

"Yes, mum. I am. Is it okay if I walk back home? There's something I need to do, and its a different route from home," Zaynab said.

"I'm sure there'll be no problem if we take you where you want to go, dear. Why walk?" Rumaysah asked.

"No, mum. It would be better if I walk," Zaynab insisted.

Rumaysah looked at Zaynab for a few moments, her glance lingering on Zaynab's face, before she nodded.

"You need to clear your head, right?" Rumaysah stated.

Zaynab was surprised that Rumaysah could just read her like an open book. Yet nonetheless, she nodded.

"Alright. Stay safe, Zaynab," Rumaysah said.

Zaynab nodded again and left the hall, this time allowing tears to fall freely from her eyes now that no one could see her face.

It's like, ever since she saw those letters, her insecurities rocketed beyond her comprehension. She couldn't help but feel that she wasn't good enough for Hassan for several reasons.

Firstly, the fact that she had had such an ugly past. The fact that she had been through so much, that she was so scared of Hassan when she first married him. She had hurt him because of that. That insecurity was there from the beginning. And she felt that she didn't deserve someone as loving as Hassan because of the way she had initially feared him.

Secondly, seeing the letters brought yet another insecurity. The fact that she knew that there was already a girl who had liked her husband at some point in time made her feel insecure. What if she lost Hassan? She knew that she was being irrational, because from the way Hassan had replied to Ilham, it was obvious that Hassan feared Allah enough to never do anything that was wrong. But still, it was natural when Zaynab felt uncomfortable knowing that she herself wasn't the only one capable of being in love with her husband.

And thirdly, there was that other insecurity that she felt when she saw those letters. Ilham was clearly not a good Muslim, but she was willing to change and improve with Hassan's help if he married her. And that was exactly what happened with Zaynab - Zaynab wasn't a good Muslim either but Hassan improved her after marrying her. It was the fact that Hassan had said that he couldn't reciprocate Ilham's feelings that scared Zaynab. Because Zaynab and Ilham were so similar in that sense, yet the difference was that Zaynab would never have sent anyone love letters the way Ilham did, because irrespective of everything, Zaynab found that to be a very cheap move. And besides, Zaynab was Hassan's wife, not a random girl crushing on him. The reason as to why Zaynab was scared was because since she and Ilham were similar in terms of their religion, but Hassan couldn't reciprocate Ilham's feelings made her wonder if Hassan could ever reciprocate hers.

And then there was the fact that Hassan still had Ilham's love letters. Why did he have them? Of what use were they to him if he had rejected Ilham? And how come Hassan's letter to Ilham remained with him? What was going on? And she felt so bad that Hassan knew everything about her, yet he hadn't mentioned all this to her. He had hidden this entire Ilham thing from her.

And then, Samina's words just made everything a million times worse.

"Wasn't it enough that you married Hassan and made his life miserable?"

Zaynab did feel that she made his life miserable. She felt that someone as good as Hassan deserved better. But then again, he was too good to say anything to hurt Zaynab, so he just lived with her. He was stuck with her but he didn't say anything. She was sure that Hassan was miserable. Yet, she couldn't help but pray to Allah that Hassan didn't feel that way.