AFTER
"Smart move, Matthew Wesley," Pippa explodes the next day, when I'm forced to explain everything to her. "You've just lost us our biggest and only lead."
We're sitting cross-legged outside in my back garden and Mum keeps poking her head out of the patio door with a shit-eating grin on her face. She isn't even trying to hide how happy she is to see me actually bringing someone over on the weekend. The fact that I've brought home a female does not improve matters.
"He was lying," I retort finally. "Plain and simple."
Even I can't fool myself with that.
"Outing himself as a homosexual seems too brave to be a lie, don't you think?" Pippa rolls her eyes at me. I'm getting angry because she doesn't seem to understand how weird and disjointed this whole thing seems to me. Oliver and gay aren't two words that feel compatible together to me. And he called Adam a fag. How does that fit into anything he's just told me? How am I supposed to just go ahead and believe him like that, like I'm supposed to trust anyone at this point? I voice this all out to Pippa and she rolls her eyes again. That's becoming really annoying to see because it makes me feel like I'm stupid for not seeing things the way she does.
"Matt," she sighs, "Think about it. Oliver doesn't seem to be all too proud of what he is. He was scared of his feelings for Adam and when he died, he didn't know how to – how to deal with it. So he lashed out. A classic case of internalized homophobia."
"Some love that was, if he couldn't even accept it," I grumble.
"It's a lot more complicated than that," Pippa explains patiently. "It's not always black and white when it comes down to feelings. Especially when you realize you're something when you were told you were another thing all your life."
I know she's right so I don't say anything. But it's still strange and the feeling just won't go away. For a scary second I wonder if I'm homophobic and what I'm feeling might just be disgust but I decide that I don't think I am. I think I just hate Oliver and the idea of him – of him hurting Adam makes my blood boil. He was like a brother to me – I've never had any siblings of my own – and it feels almost instinctual, wanting to protect him, wanting to keep him away from the likes of Oliver who could break hearts in the blink of an eye.
"What I don't understand," Pippa finally murmurs, "is why Oliver told you that. It's a big deal, what he did."
"Maybe they were involved." I try to push down the rage that begins to bubble inside my chest. It's not something I've just thought of right now. That's why I punched Oliver that second time, I think, because I knew in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what happened. And I didn't know until now because Adam never thought to tell me. That's what hurts the most. My best friend – my brother—kept something huge from me. And I can't even yell at him for it because he killed himself.
"Maybe." Pippa looks at me. "Matt," she says seriously. "We've got to talk to Oliver more about this."
I sneer. "Yeah because he'll be completely up for that, especially because of my reaction."
"I'm not saying this is going to be easy." Impulsively, she takes my hand in hers. I'm too in over my head to snatch it away and also, despite the entire situation, there are some old feelings that stay the same. Always. "It'll never be easy," she whispers and I'm reminded, again, that I'm not the only one who's going through pain. There are others who loved Adam. And – and that includes Oliver, too, I guess.
"Fine," I nod. "We'll talk."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
