There Is Very Little Left of Me...

...And It's Never Coming Back

*tw: talking about suicide, suicide attempt (past), depression, neglect, all the angsty stuff that comes with an angsty connor fic*

   Evan hates the hospital. He hates the smell of it, hates the urgency from nurses, patients and doctors rushing, rushing, rushing. And, of course, he hates the people. Not that he hates them personally, of course, but he hates their presence. He hates every time someone's eyes would glance over to him, as though asking what he was doing there. And he especially hates when they would talk to him, because then he was always expected to respond, and his words would never come out quite how he wanted. He'd stumble over them with a hated stutter, and even then the words would rarely even make sense. 

  And yet here he was, in the hospital on a dreary Saturday morning. He wasn't hurt or anything, but his house was currently recovering from a bug bomb set off this morning, and wouldn't be safe until much later today. Oh, and don't forget that it would also be storming harder than it had for five years outside. So, his only option was to go with his mom to work this morning. 

  He was hiding out in a currently vacant room, trying to get his math homework done, when the door gently opened. He looked up, heartbeat quickening, because what if they needed this room and then he'd have to go in search of another empty room and oh god he really wasn't up to that. His mom peered in.

  "Evan honey?" Her voice sounded kinda funny, confused maybe? She opened the door further to reveal two more people behind her, a man and a woman, and oh god they needed the room, didn't they- He began to pick up his papers, shoving them into his folder haphazardly. "These are the Murphys. They say you know their son, Connor?" He froze. The three had made their way into the room now. Connor's parents? Why were they here? 

  Evan laughed nervously. "N-no, not really.. I mean, I saw him in the halls, but we never really talked, I m-mean-"

  The man cut him off. "His name is on your cast."

  As Evan went to splutter some sort of answer, Heidi's radio went off. She apologized, then excused herself, squeezing Evan's shoulder. 

  Once she had exited the room, the woman carefully sat down next to Evan. Her eyes were red, as though she'd been crying a lot- wait. "I-is Connor okay?" Evan asked, cautiously. Much to Evan's dismay, Mrs. Murphy burst into tears. He looked around, alarmed, possibly for a way out of this situation. 

  The man hesitated before gruffly answering, as though it were some big secret. "Connor.. attempted suicide last night. And.. his suicide note was addressed to you." He pulled a neatly folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Evan. Unfolding it, Evan stared at it in shock. It was the letter Connor had found on the printer in the computer lab.

  "Oh no, n-no that's not-" 

  Mrs. Murphy put a trembling hand on Evan's shoulder. "I kn-know this is h-hard to t-take in, d-dear-" The door opened again, and Heidi poked her head in. 

  "It's Connor." Both Evan and Mrs. Murphy shot to their feet. "He's being allowed visitors."

  And for some reason, that Evan didn't quite understand, he found himself asking if he could go in and see him first.

*

    When Connor woke up in a room smelling of antibacterial wipes with a million tubes stuck in him, he was unbelievably pissed. Or at least he thought he would be, but really, he couldn't feel much. He accredited that to whatever those tubes were pumping into him. 

  A nurse came in, announced he had visitors. Connor just grunted and rolled over. The nurse left, presumably to go get his family, so they can tell him how he's failed them yet again. 

  The door creaked open, and he prepared for Zoe's shrill voice yelling at him for being an attention whore. However, it never came. Instead, a tentative voice called out, "C-connor?" This voice didn't belong to anyone in his family... Connor rolled over to see Evan fucking Hansen standing by the door, looking ready to bolt.

  "What the fuck are you doing here, Hansen?" It came out ruder than he intended. Then again, maybe it didn't. He couldn't be sure. Evan flinched and stepped back.

  "Uh I- I was already here because my mom's a nurse, y'know? And then your parents, well, they found me somehow and told me about, uh-" He gestured at Connor's hospitalized self. "And they found the note, hehe, and they thought it was your suicide note and-" 

  "It was supposed to be," Connor mumbled. 

  "I- I'm sorry? I didn't, uh- I didn't get that.." Evan approached timidly, as though Connor were the big bad wolf or some shit. Connor repeated himself, somewhat louder this time, and Evan looked genuinely confused.

  Connor sighed. "Look, I wasn't supposed to be here to have to explain this. And I guess it was shitty of me to leave you to try to explain it, but hey, I'm a shitty person. That's why I have to off myself, right?"

  "I don't think you're a shitty person!" Evan said earnestly, and Connor almost felt bad when he snapped back, "Shut the fuck up, okay? You don't even know me, Hansen." Almost. Because Evan got this kicked puppy look on his face, and goddammit this was why nobody ever wanted to talk to him.

  Connor took a deep breath and continued. "Anyway, yesterday morning in the computer lab? I was a dead boy walking. I knew I was going to try to kill myself that night." He snorted. "What better way to be remembered than to fucking John Hancock the invisible boy's cast, huh?" Connor pretended he didn't see the way Evan flinched when he said that. "Anyway, after I took your letter, I was reading over it and... I dunno, it just kinda.. made sense." He trained his eyes to look anywhere except Evan. "More sense than the rest of this goddamned world." Connor chuckled drily. "So I kinda stole it. Sorry about that."

  There was an an emotion in Evan's eyes that Connor couldn't quite identify. "Why'd you do it?" Evan whispered.

  Connor tilted his head and poked Evan's cast. "How'd you get that cast?"

  Evan frowned, uneasy. "D-don't change the subject."

  Connor glared at Evan. "Look, you're not my fucking therapist, okay? You're still just a random kid from school, and I don't have to tell you shit." 

  Evan was obviously hurt. "I'll b-be your friend, then.  I know you don't have anyone else, but I'll be there for you."

  "No." 

  Evan looked resigned, like he was expecting that. "Right. Of course. I mean, w-why would you want to hang out with me anyway.." And something (Connor told himself that it was annoyance at Evan's self pity) made him elaborate on his answer.

 "Listen. I don't want you getting all upset when I finally succeed. Oh, don't give me that look- it's not like having one friend will make all the other shit go away." Evan is rendered speechless, and Connor can see tears building in his eyes. And Connor really doesn't wanna deal with that right now. He lets out a shaky breath. "Just go Hansen... just go." 

A/N: Hi guys, this was written as a vent, so I know it's not very cheery. It may sound a little rushed and stuff, I don't know, but once again, it's a vent, so I was upset as hell writing this, so it's not going to be my best work. The song/chapter title are lyrics from "Be Nice to Me" by the Front Bottoms. This oneshot was inspired by a post I found on instagram, but I forgot to save it and I can't find it now. So yeah. Peace out.