(version 2)
it's 1:02am and my eyes are closed but the sky's sobbing outside my window and i can't stop thinking of how you held me when the gods spat lightning down onto earth. your cheeks were flushed like cherry blossoms and your lips tasted like overripe strawberries and the dulce de leche that my grandma kept in an oversized jar on the top shelf in her kitchen.
i am lost again in the idea of you but right now i don't care because i can smell your honeydew rosewater perfume on my sheets and if i hold my pillow closer to my body it almost feels like you're next to me.
i squeeze my eyes tighter and i can feel you, feel you biting down on my lips as they bleed syrupy infatuation onto your shiny rose gold teeth. feel my hips sinking down onto the bathroom floor and my hands flaming up in splinters, and it hurts so bad but that doesn't matter because for once in my life i am definite. love is not a feeling or an object or an idea, it is not something we create to give our sad hearts hope, it is this - your mouth on my skin and your fingers on my thighs and my heart in your hands.
you're all the dewy summer sunrises and bitter winter storms and everything in between because without you nothing matters. you're the gap between my thighs and the sticky strawberry gloss on my lips, and i can't breathe because my lungs have collapsed and all my oxygen's inflating my heart but i know you make the air around you cleaner. i love you i love you i love you, i repeat it over again when you're kissing my neck and ignoring my texts and telling all your friends how clingy i am.
i love you.
maybe things would be different now if i'd said it with my words, but i didn't know how so i mouthed it in the space between my tongue and the roof of my mouth every time i kissed you, and in every time i stopped breathing when your hands ghosted my flesh because your skin was the best and worst thing i'd ever felt,
and every time i told you to slow down when you fucked me because goddamnit i just wanted to make it feel romantic.
but now you're gone
and it's 3:07am now because i didn't really want to write this cause it doesn't sound romantic
and all the words are blurring and i can't tell if it's saltwater or liquor
but i know the storm outside has stopped and i know you're probably in a bed that's not yours
but definitely not mine.
ー
i rewrote it a bit bc i didn't like the middle section of the first version but i still don't like the fourth paragraph in this whoops i would fix it but i'm sleepy soyeah
