the blacker the berry the bitter
the truth
the more scary the past
so much forgotten not enough proof
the poem starts now
he called her fat face
she is light skin
called me black berry
i want to be a lightening bug
i am a black hole full of his sins
condemnable tendencies
i remember trips to six flags
i remember forgetting you wasn't my father
we were childhood besties
i remember the pinkie promises
kept everything fat face slept through
bottled up in
chilled coors beers
you can't have anys
sips anyways when she not looking
in love with another women's man as a child
i was the mistress forged as a niece
i want to be a lightening bug
sharing him made it easier to share my toys
fat face told me no
he never told me no
i never told him no either
i remember thinking i would get in trouble
allowing it
summer evenings
i remember wanting you to love
me
like fat face
i remember ice pop stained big white plain tees
hand me down shorts
rusty tv trays
scratched cds
soundtrack to my childhood repeating
skipping beats in my heart
radios loudest volumes
janet jackson
cece winans
a bunch of
back in my days
and what you know about that's
early morning cartoons
and late night nothing for my ages
wondering why my father never wanted to play house with me like he did
i remember him asking me if i was comfortable
i remember thinking it was okay
his new ports filters and half full ash trays
second hand smoke
encouraging him to quit old and bad habits
like collecting my old panties and printing boobs
photos in my ballet costume on disposable kodaks
i loved taking photos
i am a lightening bug in my darkest hours
i wanted to be on top like tyra
my undeveloped chest on polaroids
the shaking of the used film
everything tickling
practicing being able to stomach sensations new
teaching me not everything that goes in my mouth gets chewed
i'm choking
i remember knocking on locked bathroom doors
not being opened
listening between crack
i remember seeing lights in the vicinity of the crack beneath the door
and hearing muffles
i remembering wanted to have my turn
my body start to stutters when i find some men smell like you
make him happy
for making me happy
fat face telling me he really loves you
i rememeber believing it
i remember slipping up and calling my father your name
i remember covering ant hills
and touching my self under covers
i remember catching lightning bugs
i remember putting them in a jar
i remember loving them so much
i remember realizing i was killing them when it was too late
i remember i wanted to be one
i remember good intentions only take you but so far in making sure you have a lunch on guilt trips
i remember defending you
i remember blaming my hands
the floor and my knees
i remember blaming my mouth
i remember telling her when i got older
i remember fat face reassuring mmy safety
i remember her forgetting the conversation
i forgot child hood pinky promises kept everything fat face slept through bottled up in polaroid films
wishing i knew what i know now
