Cataclysmic Love

Before the End: May 24, 2017

I get dressed for the last day of school. With the help of my new jeans, I look pretty sharp. Today should be quick. All the classes are short because the last two hours are for field day.

I go to snapchat and tell Spencer good morning. Ever since Saturday, we've been talking nonstop. This includes goodnight, good morning, and I love you texts. Yet, we're not dating.

I just-I'm scared.

My last relationships have been awful and pretty damaging. She seems lovely though. She calls me beautiful and adorable. She loves my American accent. My voice. My face basically. I call her beautiful and adorable. I love her Irish accent. Her voice. Her face basically.

We love everything about each other.

But, we're not dating.

I've never asked anyone out before, only had people ask me out. What if she says no? What if she's just being nice? I was the first one to say "I love you". 

She's probably just being nice.

~~~

I get through three classes before cramps hit me.

Hard.

It feels like knives are stabbing me in my uterus and someone is twisting them.

I feel a headache coming.

This isn't a good way to end my freshman year.

~~~

After my last class, I go to the gym where activities are being held for students. I feel so sick. I sit on the bleachers and stick my earbuds in.

I see my friends and they look like they're having fun.

I better not bother. I walk to my favorite bathroom and take off my string bag. I slide down the bathroom wall as a tear slides down my cheek.

I take a picture of the floor and caption it with:
Have you ever been in so much physical pain that you cry?

I never thought period pains could hurt like this a few girls enter and I clear my face of any tear marks, not wanting any pity or attention.

Spencer texts me.

Spencer✌️️
Are you okay? I'm here if you need me.

I text back that I hate crying and being in pain in public.

I've been sitting down for 40 minutes and a girl that I know walks in. She sees me and asks if I'm okay. I tell her yes but she doesn't budge. Instead she sits down in front of me and puts her hand on my knee.

"I know we don't talk to each other, but if you need something, you can tell me."

"Just cramps-" a sob comes from me. Pathetic. "I'm in so much pain."

"Do you want some pain killers? I think Maddie has some." Maddie is her best friend, I know that. Maddie is also my mom's boss' daughter.

"Yes, please, can you?" I beg. I sound so weak.

She nods her head and goes out the door. She probably won't come back. She probably said that as an excuse to not deal with me.

I go on snapchat and try to calm my shaky breaths. I see Spencer has posted on her story. I click it and her only post is a picture of her window with the caption:
Don't you hate it when your favorite person is crying?

I smile a little, knowing that that's probably about me. However, as quickly as my smile appears, it goes.

She probably thinks I'm a freaking baby. If she were to date me, it would be like babysitting. She is a year older than me.

I hear the bathroom door open and the girl walks in.

"Here's two ibuprofen. I hope that's okay." She says.

"Yes, that's more than okay. Thank you so much." I swallow the pills without any water.

"Do you think you're gonna be okay?"

"Yes, I'm sure I'll be able to walk in a few minutes. Thank you so much." She smile and nods and walks out.

Why can't the world be full of people who are willing to help you when you're hurt?

~~~

Around 2 pm, I was able to move and get food with friends. I got on the bus for the last time for two months and went home. The bus ride to my house is around an hour. Luckily, it didn't make me sick. As soon as I'm home, I find that girl's Instagram and send her a dm of me saying thank you once again. I also text Spencer asking if she wants to video call me. She always calls me first.

I'm nervous. I think I'm going to do it.

After two or so hours of talking and making each other blush and smile, my phone dies.

I freak out and get my phone on it's charger. My hands shake as the screen lights up and I call her.

"Hey." I say.

"Did your phone die?" She smiles.

"Unfortunately so."

"You should get a new phone. Yours is homophobic, I bet." I smile at her.

"The Australian Siri does give me major attitude." I take a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you something before we do hang up though." She does the cool thing where she lifts one eyebrow up. "Oh stop showing off!" We both smile. "I wanted to ask if you'll be my girlfriend." I say, I think too quietly. She doesn't respond for a moment which scares me.

What if she says no? What if she says yes? What if she says yes but doesn't mean it? What if she didn't hear me and I have to repeat myself? Would I be able to spit it out again?

"Hmm, let me think about it..." she puts her finger on her chin and looks up. My heart races.

"Of course I will."