The Loneliness of Distant Beings

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I don't sleep that night. How can I? All I can do is think about Dom; wonder where he is, wonder if he's safe.

So yeah, obviously, after zero sleep, I just don't want to get up, and this is the crime to end all crimes in Correctional. This is the thing that bugs them the most. Seriously, they will do just about anything to get you up and out of bed in this place, like you staying there in your bunk has any effect on anyone whatsoever. So as soon as Ronaldo starts shift they send him in and he sits on the bench opposite my bed, staring at me.

'Mira, get up and get going, huh? Stop making it so hard. Vamos,' he says, no real enthusiasm though and he pouts, stares at the floor, chafes dry palms together.

'What's with you?'

'You're not the only one who got troubles, guapa. Guy ended up getting killed last night. It's all over the screens.'

I turn cold. 'What happened?'

'Accident in a waste chute. Guy called Lucas Brent. Friend of my uncle's.'

'I'm sorry,' I say.

So I get up, for him. Drag my feet along the floor, try to wash with him wedging the door open with his toe and peering through, one-eyed. Just as I'm finishing getting dressed, he says, 'Move it.'

'Why?'

'A visitor.'

'Who?'

But he doesn't answer, just shrugs, and before I can do much more than get into the day room and hyperventilate a little, she steps in, and it is Mariana.

I run to her, pull her into my arms; I know how mad at me she must be but I don't care.

'I'm so sorry,' I say into her hair. 'I know I messed everything up and it was stupid, but I don't want to lose you.' And I step away so I can look at her, the way her pretty eyes are so sad and she is shaking her head just a little.

'If anyone should be sorry around here it's me. I should have come sooner. It's just that I couldn't. Selfish reasons. Took me a while to realise how selfish it was. But then today, what with . . . everything . . . I had to see you.' This is when I realise her hands are shaking in mine.

I frown, pull her over to the bench, gather her hands into my lap. 'Tell me what's wrong,' I try, but all she does is look around, up at the two fixed cameras in the corners, over at the two-way mirror that gives on to the nurse's station, over at Beth and Jean who are sat in front of the blaring screen but are actually watching us instead of it.

'It's a long story,' she whispers. 'One I can't particularly go into now. But you know I told you before that I . . . had experience . . . of what you were going through?'

I nod.

'Well, I try to avoid him, as much as anyone can in this place. And coming here meant seeing him.'

And I get it then. Of course. Ronaldo.

She sees it on my face and nods, looks at the floor. 'But I know how lame that sounds, so I'm here now.'

I squeeze her hands. 'Thanks; I'm really glad to see you.'

She shakes her head. 'I guess I should have told you already about what . . . happened. It might have made you see things differently.'

I shake my head. 'I doubt it.'

'I owe it to you anyway, seeing as how it involves Domingo too.'

I frown and we both look over to where Beth and Jean have got bored of watching us and turned back to the screen.

She sighs, keeps her voice barely above audible. 'Look, you know how it is, you know that no one tells you anything in this place. We grow up and as far as we know you have this person who is picked for you and that's who you love and they make you a perfect little baby in a bottle and put it inside you when the time is right and that is how life is. They don't tell you how you might feel if you fall in love for real, with someone you're not supposed to. They don't tell you about your instincts, and what might happen if you follow them.'

She doesn't seem to want to go on then, but having looked up at the cameras once, she does. 'They don't tell you what it's like to get pregnant with an unauthorised natural and be told it has to be deleted. They don't tell you how lonely that is. Especially when the guy has a chance to walk away and start his life without it hanging over him and you let him take it.'

She shrugs, makes little noises like it's no big deal, but all the time I am looking at her and I am burning with questions and though I know she won't appreciate hearing all of them I can't help but say, 'Being pregnant, having it deleted – that must have been . . . '

She shakes her head, doesn't say anything, just studies our linked hands, then, 'Hemple, it's still the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I think about it every day. To be honest that part was probably worse than the nine months I spent in Correctional for letting it happen, and for not identifying the guy.'

I feel my mouth drop open. 'Mariana, I . . . I had no idea.'

'Not here, by the way.' She smiles sadly. 'Next door. Not that there's that much difference really.' She looks around. 'Little cleaner here, less screaming.' She shrugs. 'In my mind it was damage limitation. What was the point in him serving time too? Anyway, that's why Domingo . . . did what he did. He just couldn't let it go. I have always felt worse about that than I do about the rest of it. That he ended up getting in so much trouble, all because he cares about me. But that's the kind of guy he is. He'll do anything for the people he loves.' This is when her eyes fill with tears so she turns away.

I'm so shocked it throws me for a moment. 'Mariana, I . . . '

She holds up her hand. 'I'm sorry,' she says. 'It's . . . There's another thing I need to tell you. I really didn't want to bring this to you but I'm just so worried about him.'

'About Dom?' My heartbeat pushes up into my head, filling my ears and eyes. 'What's happened?'

She swallows, lowers her voice into this breathless whisper. 'You heard about Lucas Brent?'

'The waste chute accident last night?'

She nods, holding my eye. 'That was Dom's shift. His duty. He always does that waste dump. He's done it every shift for the last two years. Lucas only did it last night because Dom had hurt his hand and couldn't operate the lever.'

I lose all contact with my surroundings then. Can't hear, can't see, am only vaguely aware of Mariana as she keeps talking beneath the hammering of my heart.

'That should have been him in there. They're calling it a systems malfunction but we all know what's going on. He's playing it down but I know it was no coincidence. Seren, please, there has to be something you can do to help – someone you can talk to. I can't lose him, and I know you feel the same. What about your grandfather – do you think he would listen to you? Seren?'

And it's only now I realise that I haven't said anything, haven't even moved, that I am sitting here utterly frozen, unable to feel anything but the waves of cold horror which travel through my flesh.

Funny that you never believe what people tell you about fear until you feel it for yourself.

More coming later this week for Seren and Dom! If you enjoyed this chapter, please don't forget to vote – thanks.

The Loneliness of Distant Beings has been published, but to get it in front of as many people as possible I'm posting it to the lovely Wattpad community. The plan is to have it all up before the publication of my second book - The Glow of Fallen Stars - in August.

If you can't wait to read the ending, or just love the feel of real pages, then you can purchase Loneliness from your local bookshop or online retailers!