Life Of Dreams

Chapter 10

I stared at the TV.  I really didn’t care if it was on or not, but it gave me something to focus on.  People were wearing all sorts of weird costumes, jumping up and down so that the emcee would choose them for the contest.  Their smiles and laughter did nothing to pick up my spirits.  I was in a funk, and I wanted to stay there. 

I heard the door open and looked over to see who was invading my space.  Dr. Ratcher, of course.  I had been back in the hospital for four days now and she was my designated shrink.  Not a bad lady, but I really hated my mind being pried into; my thoughts were mine and mine alone.  Forcing me to verbalize them made me feel like a child; timid and unsure.  Dissected and analyzed, they sounded unreal and pretty damning.  I put on my dazzling patient smile.

“Carolyn, I’m glad to see you’re awake.  Dr. Kragar tells me everything is looking great.  Those clots taken out were from the accident, so nothing malignant.  You’ve already noticed that those headaches you were experiencing are less intense and should come less and less frequently.  You’ll be out of here in no time.”  She had closed the door and she now pulled a chair over near my bed.  This was not just a quick ‘how are you doing’ visit.  She was expecting me to spill my guts and talk about my feelings.  What a waste of time.

I gritted my teeth, yet managed to sustain my smile.  “Yes, Dr. Kragar told me that this morning.  Said I should be out in a day or so.  That is, if you can guarantee that I’m not crazy or suicidal or anything like that.”

Dr. Ratcher smiled her shrink smile.  “No, you’re not crazy.  But the brain does many strange things when confronted with a traumatic head injury.  Delusions and fantasies can mix in with reality and cause havoc with our perspectives.”  The good doctor pulled a tape recorder, along with a pad and pen, from her large purse.  “How have you been feeling?”

I surrendered to the inevitable and sighed.  “If you mean: can I separate what I think is true from what everyone tells me is true?  I really don’t know.  It was all so real, yet now it seems as though I had dreamt it all.  All hazy and faded.  I’m still confused.  But I’m ready to confront the possibility ..”  I looked at her as she stared at me above her glasses, hand poised to mark down anything that indicated that I’m still a kook.  “… or actually the likelihood that I made all of this up in my head.”  

“Not everything that you said happened to you was imagined.  Some have a basis in an actual event or occurrence.  The bumping into Trent at the old red courthouse did happen and you did have lunch with him as part of his apology.  But it wasn’t just with him, it was with the entire crew and his wife, Gwen."

 

I sank back in the bed and my smile faded.

 

"The restaurant catered their meals while they were shooting on location here in Dallas.  That’s where they all were headed when he collided with you.  Trent’s publicity manager was kind enough to have gone through some of the PR pictures taken there and sent them to me.”  She reached once more into her gargantuan purse and took out a manila envelope and handed it to me.

My hands were unsteady as I pulled out the 8X10s.  They showed the back room of the café that was across the street from the old red courthouse.  The first one was me at a buffet line, talking to a man I vaguely remembered; one of Trent’s entourage.  Another had me at a long table, with Trent at the head while I was two seats down from him, with Gwen in the middle.  She appeared to be animatedly talking to me, but I was looking at Trent while he held a conversation with someone on the other side. I now vaguely remembered that scene.  I didn’t want to see the other pictures and pushed them aside.

“Gwen was there?”  I asked shakily.  The doc nodded her head.  How had I imagined it was only us two?  My chest sank in. 

“I also had an opportunity to check out Casa del Susurros.  As you said, Renaldo wouldn’t tell me anything, but I did talk to his boss, Randy Campbell, who was more than willing to help when I told him the situation.  He gave me some valuable information.”  Dr. Ratcher flipped her notebook pages back a bit and scanned the information.  “You’ve been going there for a good number of years haven’t you?  Actually, from what Randy told me, you’ve been going there on and off ever since you were a child.  Well, I did find out Trent had stayed there recently …”  Seeing my head jerk up, she shook her head.  “but never during the times you stated.  A few years ago he stayed there along with his wife and you may have crossed paths then, there was an overlap of a day.  You went there often with Gary, remember?” 

I nodded my head in acknowledgement.  I felt defeated and my hands were now clammy.

Nodding toward the stack of magazines by the bedside she continued.  “How long have you been a fan of celebrity magazines?  I see you also have a Variety.”

“All my life.  You see my mother …”  Crap!  She did it again.  I hadn’t wanted to get into any of that.  It would only make things sound worse.

“That’s okay.  I know your mother was an actress.  I found that out when I called the nursing home, then I looked her up on the internet.  I think I remember her from a few of her movies.  She was really a beautiful woman.  She had a nice look about her, nothing fake.  Pretty name too, Marilyn Collins.  You resemble her, you know.”

“I don’t think I like you rummaging around in my life.  This has nothing to do with what happened.  I was in an accident, I had blood clots in my brain, was operated on and somewhere in between, I was having delusions.”  The last word I almost choked out.

“Everything is intertwined, it didn’t start with the accident.  What happens in our childhood often manifests itself later on.  What about those daydreams you mentioned?  Didn’t you often imagine being a star or an actress like your mother?

“Well, sure, I mean I code programs for shit’s sake.  Not exactly a glamorous job, and daydreaming has been a way for me to put aside boredom or pressure at least for a little while.”

“That’s not unusual.  But somehow your daydreams and reality merged after the accident.  Whatever you used to daydream about became part of your past.  With traumatic head injuries, having delusions can be part of the symptoms or actually be telling us a piece of ourselves we don’t want to examine.   

“I would like you to make an appointment with Doctor Elizabeth Allen when you leave here.  In fact make that appointment today for next week, she’s expecting the call.  She’s a friend of mine and she could really do you some good.  You need someone to walk you through all of this.  The time we’ve spent together is a good start and I’ll be there to help out if you want me to.”

“Thanks but no thanks.  I think I’ve had enough examination of my brain for the time being, both mentally and physically.  You’ve been great, but I think I can handle it from here.”  I said this trying not to show the anger and frustration I was feeling.

“Carolyn, I’m afraid you don’t quite understand.  I’m willing to let the doctors release you, because I know you’re not a threat to yourself or to others.  But …” she held my eyes with hers for emphasis,  “But this is a condition that your company has placed on you to allow you to go back to work.  The bank feels you are privy to very sensitive data and wants to be absolutely sure you are okay before returning.  They want you to take a few months off, get some help and then go back, ready to take on your position again.  As you’ve admitted, there is a certain amount of strain and pressure with your job and this can be viewed as a well deserved personal time.”

As she got up from the chair, she offered me the new shrink’s card and I took it.  Then I turned my head as she started to leave so she wouldn’t see the tears sliding down my cheeks.  Great, just great.  Everyone thinks I’m crazy.  Well, maybe I am.  I allowed a new Pity Party to engulf me.