Him and I (EDITING/REWRITING)

Can't Pretend.

I laid down on my living room floor and stared at the ceiling. I could feel the tears running down my cheek continuously, and while I attempted to stop them, they continued running down my cheek. I tried to control my trembling lips from opening up and making a hideous sound but I wasn't able too. My mouth opened up a few seconds later, as if on cue, and I could hear my yelps echoing through the house. I turned to my side and brought my body close while I buried my face deep inside my knees. 

I can't even deny the fact of how I feel when Gavin told me that he liked Jessie. Maybe I knew all along that he had feelings for Jessie, that would explain some situations where he would "casually" look at her from across the room or when he would "accidentally" bump into her on her way out of class.  

However, I can't exactly force him to like me because he's not my possession. He's a human being, he has the right to like whoever he wants. But I guess I hoped that deep down that he would like me because now I'm experiencing the aftershock of liking somebody. 

Your heart's being crushed and smashed into thousands of pieces.

In addition, I wasted about 10 years of my life being in love with him. 10 years all gone down the drain, except for some odd reason they don't seem wasted. During those years, I got to learn more about him that anybody else has. 10 years by his side. 10 years through tears, fights, and loss. 10 wonderful years.

I guess those 10 years were actually all along worth it.

I was startled by my phone ringing. I looked up and stared at my phone which was lightly brighten. I tried to grab it but my hands were still shaking, until finally when I caught the rim of my phone. I brought the phone to my body and pressed the speaker. 

"H-Hello?" I answered. I tried my hardest to tame my shaking voice, but I wasn't able too.

"Hey, where are you?" His voice concernedly asked. The moment I heard that it was his voice, I couldn't stop myself from wanting to cry. I had to bite my lip and say only one simple thing.

"Mhm." I mumbled. I quickly hung up and threw my phone across the room while I saw it smash against the wall and explode into tiny pieces. 

I looked back down at the ground and bit my lip harder.

Why did he have to call? Couldn't he tell that I just didn't want to talk?

I don't want him to have to see me like this. Actually, I don't even know what "this" is. I don't know if my eyes are swollen, or if my lip is bleeding, or if I just look like a mess. I probably do. I probably sound like I got smacked against the face so many times, that I'm unable to even speak. I mumbled to myself.

Then it hit me, what I was feeling at this moment was a hit to my heart, an arrow piercing through the core of my heart.  I sighed and stayed all cuddled up in the fetal position, trying to ignore everything that happened today.

I then heard another ringing coming from across the room. I slowly sat up and looked up to notice my house phone ringing. I tried getting up but ending up falling back down because of my trembling knees. After a few more minutes I finally got up and reached the phone. I clicked the speaker button and answered with a quiet voice.

"Hello? Whose this?" I asked.

"Mace, thank god you responded!" The voice yelled out and I realized it was Gavin. My finger brought itself to the "end call" button when I was cut off from his voice once again.  

"Mace, don't you dare hang up on me. Or do anything stupid, alright." He ordered. I brought my finger a few inches away from the "end call" button and bit my lip again while the lump that was in my throat started growing.