the backpack fic 2

dan woke up. everything was dark and black. where am i? oh... wait. dan remembered where he was. he had forgotten that phil had stuffed him into a backpack and threw him on the road.

"how am i still alive?" dan asked out loud from within the backpack. a scream and running feet answered him.

oh. oops. dan looked around the super dark backpack and saw his phone in there with him. the screen was lit up from a message.

phil: sorry bro. i took some crazy drugs. i snorted pumpkin spice.

dan grabbed his phone and used his nose to text back phil.

dan: it's good bro.

phil: you sure bro? i chopped all your limbs off... and... um... yeah. bro.

dan: nah bro. i'm still alive so we're good. kinda sad tho. can you bring me a happy meal bro?

phil: why bro?

dan: if you're depressed you eat a happy meal and you become mildly less depressed. bro.

phil: oh okay bro. nuggets or hamburger?

dan: nuggets.

phil: fries or apple slices?

dan: fries. who tf actually gets apples.

phil: ha ha yeah....

dan: fricken weirdos.

phil: okay famerino where are you?

dan poked his head out of the backpack and looked around. he was in a bus stop. oh yeah. that drug guy who gave phil that gun moved me. he asked if i wanted drugs. drug are bad. fricken noob.

dan: i'm in a bus stop. i can see blood stains from where i was in the road, so it's somewhere over there.

phil: okay bro i know where you are. i'll be there in a sec.

dan sat silently in his backpack. he then heard feet shuffling towards him.

"hey bro, is that you in the backpack?" phil said.

dan stuck his head out of his backpack. "yeah bro. you got my nuggs?"

"yep bro. i brought myself some food too. we could have a picnic bro."

"that's lit bro."

phil opened the mcdonalds bag and pulled out two happy meals.

"here's your food bro." phil handed dan his happy meal box.

"uh... bro...?" dan said.

"what bro."

"i don't have hands you dumb bitch. how am i supposed to open my food?"

"sorry..." phil took the food out and opened the boxes. "better?"

"now i can eat. thanks hoe."

"i thought i was your bro?" phil said sadly.

"no. you're a hoe."

a single tear fell down phil's cheek.

"but you're my hoe."

"uh..."

"just eat your food. hoe."

"okay. bro."

dan and phil silently ate their food. 

"hey hoe?"

"yeah bro?"

"when can i come back to the apartment?" dan asked.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. you don't have legs."

"so?"

"then i'd have to carry you everywhere and i'm too lazy for that."

"damn. i want to go back home. it's cold out here."

"oh. well whenever you grow your legs and arms back you can come back."

"do you think if i eat enough happy meals i can grow my limbs back?"

"keep believing in yourself bro and it will happen bro."

"thanks hoe. i can always count on you to believe in me."

"yeah bro." phil pulled out a packet of apples from his happy meal box.

"disgusting." dan sneered.

"that's mean bro."

"says the hoe that nearly killed me."

"i told you i was on drugs bro."

"i think you were possessed hoe."

"yeah probably bro."

"hey hoe?"

"what bro?"

"can i have an apple slice?"

"didn't you say you hated apples?"

"give me the apple slice hoe."

phil threw an apple slice at dan. dan ate it out of the air.

"oh dang you're talented."

suddenly, dan grew all of his legs and arms back. he rose out of the backpack and glitter magically fell from the sky.

"you're really talented." phil said in awe as dan stood majestically in the backpack.

"hell yeah i am hoe. let's go back home now. i miss our nonexistent dog."

"okay bro let's go home."

dan stepped out of the backpack. phil and him walked home together, somehow both still alive from the magic of happy meals.