Okieeee shitty rap time ppl
This is really hard for me to post. It's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, but haven't had the courage to do so. Welp, nows the time for that courage
Have you ever felt alone?
No place, no home
Nowhere to turn, nowhere to go
No one will listen, nobody gets it
Nobody's felt it, nobody's been hit
No ones been alone like you have
Yet surround by people who
Don't get it, won't get
They say you're safe, won't do it again
But you know you're not, too afraid of the pain
I used to love him, sure I did
But that was back then, when I was a kid
But now I'm all grown up, learnt to survive
Learnt to survive when I don't wanna be alive
I'm never happy, never sad
Never angry, never mad
I don't feel nothing, apart from numb
Especially when you're hitting me like a bass drum
Come on now, do you think I'm dumb?
Do you think I'm stupid, do you think I'm young?
My little sister and brother, they don't know a thing
I gotta pretend your words don't sting
If they knew, yeah, they'd get mad
Angry at me for hating on their dad
That's how easy people turn on me
Don't even like the girl I'm trying to be
But I can't be myself, 'cause then they'd see
All of my cuts and bruises...
Metaphorically
'Cause I can't harm myself, I'm too weak
Too afraid of being called a freak
Too alone, so no shelter to seek
Would anyone even notice if I left for a week?
Don't wanna play hide and seek, just wanna hide
The game is over
Goodbye.
Ok, so this is hard to talk about but basically about a year ago, my step dad hit me. It's my fault cos I was pissing him off like I always do because I hate him just as much as he hates me and I guess I must've pushed it too hard because he just punched me.
And I kept it hidden for a while, like a month, and then I eventually broke down and told my mom what happened and how I don't feel safe in my own home.
But she just kept making up excuses of how it must've been an accident and when she spoke to my step dad, he said it was an accident as well. But ik it wasn't because you don't accidentally throw your fist as hard as possible into someone's arm. So that bruise stayed there for ages and every time I looked at it I just started thinking about how much of a failure I am and that was probably the darkest part of my life so far. I was so depressed, I started wanting to hurt myself, believing that I deserved what I'd gotten from my step dad and that I should do the same to myself. But try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I would cut myself but I couldn't do anything deep enough to bleed.
I eventually told my friends and they helped me through it. My step dad still lives with us and I hate him even more, he's hurt me more after that but never enough to leave any marks or bruises and he makes it seem like a game. I still feel terrified every time I leave my room and want to leave the house as soon as he comes home, I've run away a lot because of him but always ended up coming back because I love my siblings too much to leave them.
But I just wanted to say that if anyone is going through anything at the moment, anything at all, don't be afraid to message me. I'm always here and I'll never judge you, these things we feel aren't our fault, we can't control the way we feel. But we can control the way we choose to go about those feelings. We can choose to continue to live with our pain in secret, or we can talk about it and admit that we need help. I know how scary it is to talk about your problems, trust me, I know. But sometimes it's easier to talk to a complete stranger over the Internet, I personally think it's a great starting place.
But yeah, I wrote this ages ago about him and I just found it again now and I thought this was a great opportunity to talk about something that I really wanted to come clean about...
But yeah, now I'm off to Portugal sooooo I guess I'll see everyone's reactions to this when I get wifi again.
