I'm not okay

Huit(mayybe)

Now I don't know what you've heard about me.
But it's probably all true.
About the attempt
About the failure
About the scars
About...my brother.
I've tried to forget what happened to him.
What I did to him.
But I can't.
They told me to do it.

"Cut them"
"What"
"Cut his brakes"
"Why?"
"Because he deserves it!"
"What did Jack do?"
"He was always better than you. Always the 'Golden Child'. Always a good guy. You are the crazy one. Do something crazy!"
"You're right. I'll do something crazy."

I did it. 
There's no going back.
I still can't believe I did it.
They pestered and persuaded me to hurt him for being better than me.
For being older.
For getting better grades.
For having more friends.
For being popular.
For not being crazy.
I'm sorry Jack.
I really am.
Maybe that's why.
The pain
And the guilt
And Dad blaming me.
All built up.
I already had bullies and the voices.
Sometimes they even worked hand in hand.
So i did something.
Cut his brakes.
Then I cut my wrists.
Then got the rope.
And failed.

I really wanted it to all go away.
I need to get out of here.
It's not my fault.
I did what the voices said to do. 
They said if I did what they wanted it would all go away.
The bullies
The pain
The scars
Even they would go away. 
All I wanted was for them to go away.