Tw: Homophobia
Alec's POV
It all started with the occasional comments from Mum's friends. Slowly, it became a common occurrence to get an odd look or see someone whispering to someone else with a look of hatred and disgust on their face, or to see parents telling their children to avoid me at all costs, not caring that I had saved their lives.
Jace no longer attempted to comfort me. I said none of it bother me, but it did. My parabatai either didn't notice that I was hiding my sadness or that I cried my self to sleep each night that I didn't spend with Magnus. Many a night, tears dropped down my cheeks, while I covered them from the view of everyone else. What would my friends and family think of me? They would laugh at me, and I would deserve it. I was weak. I could turn to one pers-- wait, that would be ridiculous. Clary bloody hates me!
Sometimes it all feels a bit hopeless. I try, and i try, just to do the best, protect everyone, to keep all of my friends safe, but i can't. Someone gets hurt, or someone places another insurmountable object in my path, and no one ever understands I am trying my best. Except Magnus, that is, but he doesn't seem to want me around half of the time.
I don't even realise it, but suddenly I am on the floor of my office, crying. I feel ever so weak.
The door slowly creaks open, and I rush to try and compose myself.
I repeat to myself in my head, 'I am a shadowhunter. Shadowhunters aren't this weak.'
I look to the door. Clary. Could my life get any worse. Of all the people to see me in this state, it was the one who would go and tell Jace, and Izzy, and Simon.... and just about the whole institute. They can't know that their leader is this weak!
"Alec, are you okay?", I hear. I must be hallucinating. "Should I get Jace... or Magnus... What happened?"
"I... It doesn't matter. Why are you here?"
"I wanted to hand over a report on what happened last night. That isn't important though. You don't look that great..."
I don't want to speak, but words begin to tumble out.
"It's hard, you know... Everyone expects me to be a flawless leader, to make up for everything that's wrong with me... Jace is ignoring me, and Magnus never seems to want me around... I am just being a burden on them. Plus, you hate me, no matter how hard I try to help you. I just always seem to try and get nowhere..."
So i returned to this after nearly 2 years... should i continue this??
