The Dog Days of Summer

.5

I was really scared of high school, like ludicrously terrified.

To make a long, cliche story short I'm just going to admit that I was extremely disliked in elementary school. In all honesty, the blame remained in my hands, I was pretty annoying. But come on, I was 11 for fuck's sake. 

But who knows? Sometimes maybe people have to get bullied so they can learn to be self-sufficient. It's be humble or get humbled. 

But I will always hold a grudge against my childhood bully, the president of my very own hate club. You really picked on me because I'm Mexican and low-income? Die. 

After 6th grade, I separated from my elementary friends and attended an "advanced" middle school while my friends went to a regular school. I don't mean to degrade my friends, it was just a hard middle school to get into. I think. Or that's what the school principal used to tell us to fuel our motivation when we had benchmark testing. I guess it was her way of telling us that the kids who didn't pass the quarterly tests just didn't make the cut. We were "the best of the bunch." I was an apple that sprouted within a bundle of bananas. 

Anyways. Being away from my elementary friends and meeting new people began to shape me into a different person. I met kids whose parents were respected lawyers and admired doctors, while I came from a neighborhood where kids had parents who sold crack. I felt as if I had gained a heightened sense of status as my classmates convinced me that I had to pursue a "prestigious" career if I wanted to be seen as a valuable citizen. 

In their eyes, McDonald's employees were peasants and construction workers were petty dogs simply because they weren't drowning in student debt. And I shamefully agreed with those classmates engrossed in chauvinism as they spoke so poorly of my parents' occupations. And I too, began looking down at my own friends whose parents used to feed me with what was left in their pantry. 

Forgive me Marina. Forgive me Williams. 

My middle school was a small GATE program: gifted and talented education. No more than 300 students were enrolled and that was including the kids from 4th to 8th grade so everyone, for the most part, knew each other. Your first, middle, last, mother's maiden name; everyone knew it by heart. Secrets were no longer confidential information kept by trustees but rather pieces of a puzzle you had to hunt for around the school to understand the complete story. 

And if you wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend you'd probably have to date your friend's ex or someone from another school because you couldn't get too picky with your options. I mean, the "handsomest" guy in my grade at the time was a skinny brown boy with paper thin lips and a long Roman nose. Sort of made you want to sit on it. I mean I kinda did want to when I was 12, blessed with the privilege to be his partner in social studies class.

87 eighth graders sharing 4 portable classrooms kind of forced everyone to be friends. If the school had an anthem it would be the KIDZ BOB version of "We are Family" because that's just how corny it was.

But in high school, no one really happily welcomed you into their clique. No one invited you to sit with them if you were eating lunch alone or aimlessly wandering the halls during brunch. Everyone seemed to belong to a group or a category with the exception of the floaters. Check the urban dictionary. 

It's probable that my viewpoint of this could be exaggerated. But hey, can you blame the girl with the phobia of not having any friends?

I didn't even belong in any of the groups. I was just me. And I didn't even know my own personality.

I began to excessively dwell on the nostalgia of middle school, which were some of the greatest years of my youth in all sincerity. For some ongoing time, I couldn't stop thinking about the people there and the memories we shared. We were the cringe of the century, but it was the fact that we did it altogether that made it less terrifying. 

The only competition I had to worry about was whose memes were the dankest. What the fuck?

I eventually got over it. You just have to accept the fact that life is ever-changing. 

But the very thought of high school gave me panic attacks. I feared what every cliche teen movie depicts in high school; not fitting in. I was afraid of loneliness. I'd hate to be the kid who ate lunch in the bathroom stall or the kid who always got partnered up with the last standing kid because no one else wanted to be their partner. I refused to be that  kid.

I had no friends going into high school because all my middle school friends went somewhere else. They had all been accepted into advanced high school alternative programs or schools outside of my city. I too could have been one of those kids, but my mom decided it was best if I went to a high school closer to home. That way she didn't have to hastily pick me up right after she got off work, she had close to an hour to gather herself. 

I had gotten into my private middle school by luck, only a few were accepted from the low-income neighborhood I came from. Everybody else came from wealthy, stable homes with parents who had degrees in medicine or in law. I was literally  coming from the wrong side of the tracks. Second eldest daughter from immigrant parents who came to California with nothing but ambition. 

I had to start all over in high school, which is something I always dread. Coming into a new space with anxiety rushing through my veins. My social skills only kick in when I'm horny or on Adderall. 

I still knew some of my elementary friends, but I didn't know if they'd want to talk to me or even hang out with me considering that the only impression they had of me was from elementary school. 

My anxiety and paranoia got the best of me. It wasn't even that serious. I just had an irrational fear that everyone was fixated on my mistakes and flaws. 

Lesson 2: Don't be afraid to socialize or participate. Be yourself and have fun.