The Dog Days of Summer

1

I ended up going to freshman orientation with an old elementary friend because my parents couldn't take me. That was one thing about me. I was that  kid that always needed a ride. Always needed to borrow something whether it was a pencil or a hair tie or some money. Or parents. 

I remember seeing one of my childhood friends there. Seeing how her hips widened, how her chest protruded, how her eyes enticed. She played the wannabe aloof teenager, the mysterious Jennifer Check. I didn't know it at the time, but I humiliated myself by attempting to impress her.

I could just imagine her looking at my fetal body and her instantly feeling superior. Giggling under her breath as she complimented my galaxy cat shirt. Perhaps she sought approval amongst her friends as she pointed out my mangy capris.

But that's okay. I was born to make people feel worthy. To help them find comfort in their own flaws by allowing them to amplify mine. People disparage me to laud themselves. I'll play the beast so that you can be the beauty.

She had always been more outgoing and far more confident than me, I'll give her that. 

That day would be the ending of our friendship, but the beginning of my teenage-hood. Ironic how when something dies another thing is born. Everything is replaceable. 

As you age you tend to fall out with a lot of your childhood friends. In elementary and middle school no one really knows their purpose yet and rarely anyone is socially aware of themselves. High school is more so about discovering your personality, identifying your preferences. There's more diversity compared to middle school or elementary. Everyone grows up eventually.

And I think that's something I still can't accept. "Everyone that I'm close to is closer to someone else."

After sitting down and listening to speeches, we played a game where we touched each other's hands and talked about our summer. Nothing more, just palm on palm. The incoming freshman who I had met that day were kind and unprejudiced. It relieved me, it made me a little less scared to see that my overall classmates were nice.

When orientation ended, a few of my old elementary friends greeted me and said it was nice to see me again. Then my ride took me home. I passed the day.

Every day was a constant objective of just passing the day. No taking risks, no getting out of my comfort zone, just focusing on the end. 

And yet you don't understand why I was still insanely afraid. Freshmen orientation was only a small portion of the school. I was afraid of loneliness, I was afraid of drugs, of boys, of girls, of teachers. I was afraid of everyone and everything.

Lesson 3: The friends you start high school with won't be the same as you end high school with.