What I've Been Feeling Lately

Heartbreak

Melt 5/17
Years of neglect has accumulated on my body. Every time you said you didn't love me I punished myself because I never wanted to love again. Time and time again i've tried to hide the pain you caused, but it's not like no one has noticed. I've decided once and for all I'm going to melt the evidence off of me. My weight will be as low as the state you left me in.

Consequences of Digging 1/17
I picked up a shovel and spent all night digging myself a hole deep enough to crawl into. Then I got stuck when I needed to get out most. Be careful of how deep you're digging.

Evolution 7/17
More than anything, heartbreak changes a person the most. It doesn't have to be a breakup, although that seems to do it too. It's when someone you love or trusted in general hurts you in a way you never expected them too. Like if your best friends suddenly stopped talking to you. Or your parent walks out on you. Every time something bad happens we thought wouldn't, we lose a bit of our innocence. Thats why they say ignorance is bliss. It's truly like not knowing just how evil the world is better than being aware. Some people are aware of the monsters and grow up to become one. Some grow up to fight them. Which begs the question; is it better to be aware of an issue and deal with it or possibly fix it? or just pretend like it doesn't exist and enjoy the bliss of not knowing while others are feeling the wrath?

Gone Swimming 3/17
The pool is black, I don't see any light in it. I can barely see the bottom so I'm only assuming there is one. i'm at the highest diving board and there's no other way out. At the ladder my friends chant "jump".

Drunk Texts 11/16
You were beautifully intoxicating. Meeting someone that can make me as drunk as you is one in a million.

The Beginning of an Untitled Song I Wrote 10/16
In and out we fall
I'll go anywhere
with you
Take your precious time
I'll give it all up
for you
and if you think you're feeling like it's you against the world
I am right here
for you
and someday you will see that's its always been me
and i'm right here
always.

A Previous Love 4/16
you were the biggest stage in my life. You help me find what makes me happy, and also what makes me cry. To say that I loved you is an understatement. You were my reason for being; my glimmer of hope. as long as you were in my life, I had a reason to stay. For the longest time you were the only thing that could put a smile on my face. But then days of sadness turns into years and all I had to show for it were tears that flowed down my cheek like a leaky roof that wouldn't stop until someone plugged the hole. What I didn't realize was you were only able to fix me so easily because it was always you broke me.

An Unneeded Summary 6/16
I've come to the undeniable conclusion that I will always love you.

Missing You 10/16
The worst part of it all is that we were never even together. It's hard to miss the kiss you never felt, and the arms that never held you. I always find myself remembering you're not mine. But when we talk it's like just for a second I think there's hope. Hope that maybe he realized he lost the only girl that ever cared about him. Hope that maybe all the crying I did, all the sad things I wrote in his memory, all the times I had to fix my broken heart, was worth it. It's only for a second I think that, but it's a very happy second.

Deadly Fire 10/16
It was like a spontaneous combustion of feelings; Nowhere, then everywhere and burning. I didn't know whether I was going to laugh or cry at that point.

Duties as a Friend 5/17
Part of being a friend isn't just being there when I say i'm sad. It's asking if i'm okay and letting me tell you what's wrong. But no one seems to care how i feel until i'm curled in a ball sobbing wondering why i was put on the earth in the first place. i'm so tired of being fat. i'm so tired of being ugly and waking up everyday hating my body and knowing no matter how hard i try, no man will ever love me because no one wants to date the fat girl. i've become so accustomed to my sadness that i can't sing happy songs or write happy stories. I can only sing with passion the songs about heartbreaks, grief and misery. they're the only feelings i've grown to know well. Now, is that what you wanted to hear?

Picture Perfect 7/17
I've never been enough for anyone. I consider myself a good person. I'd do anything for the people I love. But at the end of the day that's not all it is. We always say "looks don't matter" when it comes to relationships. But no one seems to talk about how it also should be the same way for friendships. The world is not a store. Stop shopping for people.

Big Issues 7/17
There are some things no one seems to talk about when it comes to being a bigger person. We all know about the health risks and that people are just genuine jerks about it, but what else? How about not being able to relate to your pretty friends because no guy wants you? or how about the social awkwardness around guys because you're scared they're going to make fun of you like many have done in the past? A personal favorite for me is when people insist they know exactly why you're fat and how to help you. "Work out and eat right!" Oh Boy!! Thanks for the advice, man! I can surely kick start my weight loss now! What they don't seem to realize is that it's kind of hard to do that when you don't control the food that goes into the house. And side note, it's really not just about working out and eating right. If it was, how come some people who don't workout and don't eat what they're supposed to are still skinny? And how come some people who workout daily and eat what they should are still big? there's so much more that goes into it than just eating fruits and vegetables and exercising. Being skinny doesn't mean you're a weight loss expert so don't try to tell someone how to lose weight if you've never even gone through it.