*well it's been over a year since I update so I'm sorry about that. If y'all are still here I appreciate that, I hope y'all enjoy. Self harm tw
Amanda's pov
I wake up in a cold sweat, and out of breathe. I sit straight up in the hospital chair, sitting next to Olivia. I grab her hand and kiss it. I get up and leave the room, walking towards the exits. It was just a dream. She didn't actually say all that and she doesn't want anything to happen to you. I walk outside and light a cigarette, starting my walk home.
Once I get home, I walk into my bathroom. Everything feels wrong. I can't even explain it to myself, but it's wrong. I go into my medicine cabinet and get the spare razor blades. I trace it along my arm, trying to shake the feeling. I shake my head, knowing I can't let people see what I'm doing. I pull my pants down and cut straight lines across my thigh below my panties.
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I look at myself in the mirror and try to refrain from crying. I can't believe I just did that. I could never understand why people did it, but I guess now I do. I grab some gauze and press down on my leg. I take a deep breathe and put the gauze between my leg and my pants. I button my pants and leave the bathroom. I can't believe I just did that. I cant believe I just did that. I grab Frannie and my smokes and head out the door.
Each step I take, I feel my cuts. I'm such a fucking idiot. Fucking stupid and attention seeking. I hate everything about me. Liv was right I'm my dream. I'm worthless. I wanted this to happen to me. I look up and see the precinct. Can't go there. I start walking back to my apartment and remember my daughter. Olivia sage. 14 oz. 15 weeks old. My baby girl.
Once I get back to my apartment, I put frannie away in her cage and head back out the door to see Olivia.
When I get back to the hospital, she's still asleep. I sit in the same chair I had sat in previously. Elliot walks in once I get comfortable. "How's she doing?" He asks. "Still hasn't woken up yet, but fine. How are you? I know you still have a gunshot wound healing." I say. "Yeah it's fine, still working on getting the mobility of my arm improved." He says. "Damn, how much PT did you cop for that?" I ask. "6 months." He says.
Olivia's pov
"Oof. That's rough." I hear Amanda say. I squint my eyes. The florescent lights blind me and I groan. They must've heard me because they stop talking. "Liv?" I hear Amanda say. "Manda?" I say with a horse voice. "Get her some water?" Amanda asks Elliot. "Sure, Be back in a few." He says exiting the room. "How long have I been out?" I ask. "15 hours." She says, grabbing my hand. "Damn." I say. "You're going to be okay though. Doctor says you've recovered a lot faster than most patients. She says you can leave in a day." She says. "Ok. Ok that's good." I say. "A-Amanda?" I stutter. "Yeah what is it?" She asks. "I'm so tired of bad things happening." I say trying to contain my tears. "Oh love... i know. I'm tired of it too. I'm so sorry." She says.
Amanda's pov
There's no way I can tell her about the rape now. She's way too fragile. She needs to go back to therapy, maybe this time she will. Maybe this time I should go too. Lord knows I probably need it. "How do you feel?" I ask. "Like I was just shot," She says, laughing through her tears. "Scoot over." I say. "Wait, what...?" She starts. "I'm going to lay next to you because I hate being alone when I'm hurt and I'm sure you're the same." I say. She eventually moves over so I can fit in the hospital bed. "I love you Olivia. Even after everything that's happened. I still love you. I'm not sure I'm ready to be together again but I do know I can't live without you." I say. "I understand. And no matter what you're going through, I'm still here for you. I still love you too. I always will." She says, kissing my head.
*Sorry for such a long wait, I'm really hoping y'all are still around.
