Depressed Rants...I Think

Slow Progress Is Better Than No Progress

Do you ever really overcome your negative thoughts? Sure, there are ways to dispel them for a time, but are they ever truly gone? I used to think I could handle everything on my own. At 13, I developed depression and even though the school forced me to see a counselor and I didn't know what exactly I was dealing with, I thought I could "get rid of it" on my own.

Heh, now I see how naïve I was.

If you don't know what it is you're up against, you don't know how to handle it. It wasn't until pretty recent that I admitted to myself that I needed help. That I needed some type of guidance and support from outside of myself or else I'd end up swallowed whole by the swirling vortex that is my mind.

Depression, for me, is like gravity got turned up a few notches and you're doing everything in your power not to be pulled down to the ground. Like someone has a magnet under you and it's slowly pulling and forcing you down. Really, my only saving grace was probably my dad's words on repeat in my thoughts: "Mind over matter, my dollar. If you think you can do it, then you'll do it."

It took me 5 years to realize I didn't have to deal with it alone. I'm 19 now and only last year did I start going back to therapy. After I dropped out of high school because I literally could not motivate myself to do my work sometimes and my grades slipped too far for me to recover. After so many sleepless nights going over different ways to die, in detail, just to end the constant barrage of negativity my mind came up with. After pushing myself so far away from my family, under the pretense of saving them from myself, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to go back.

Now that I'm back in therapy and talking to someone about everything, things are going a little better. I met someone who can help me get my diploma through self-schooling. I've found ways of getting rid of my suicidal thoughts, if only for a little while; like thinking about the good things in life and how there is always a reason not to kill yourself, no matter how small. Probably most important, I've gotten back to a good place with my family.

I still have a lot to work on, I'm far from who I want to and feel I can be, but slow progress is better than no progress, right?