Hairy Potter and the Philosopher's Hair Gel

Chapter Five

Vermin and Petunia shaved Dudley's moustache over and over again, but to no avail. It just kept springing back, giving Hairy plenty of cause to inwardly laugh, and cheer Hairgrid on. Another surprising development was that the Dursleys were shaken enough by the ruby-haired giant that they simple ignored Hairy rather than tormenting him, which was pure bliss.

This year was gonna be totally awesome.

But when the Dursleys dropped him off at Platform 9, Hairy suddenly felt a bit lost. Hairgrid hadn't told him how to find Platform 9 and 3/4, and there weren't exactly signposts.

Fortunately, Hairy spotted a large group of red-headed people all with rather beautiful fiery moustaches, and knowing that no self-respecting Mullet would be seen outside with ginger hair, he realised that they must be weavers and barbers.

The mother of the group introduced herself as Moppy Weaveley and her husband as Arthair. A small girl called Gingy clung to her arm, and a gangly boy of Hairy's age introduced himself as Afron.

Apparently the twins Fro and Goatee had already gone on ahead.

Afron and Hairy decided to sit together on the train, and began to talk. Hairy showed Afron his moustache-shaped scar, and unlike most people, Afron only stared for a few seconds before forcing himself to look away.

He did explain how the majority of his things were hand-me-downs though; his robes, his wand, even his rat Shearers had previously belonged to his older brother Permy, who received an owl once he became a prefect.

"Even my names are recycled," Afron told Hairy despondently. "One of older brothers is called Fro, short for Afro, and another is called Frill, and my middle name is Frillius. My parents just added stupid bits to the end and hoped we wouldn't notice."

"I could call you Ron for short?" suggested Hairy, but Afron snorted in disgust.

"Ron? What a stupid name! Nah, I'll stick with Afronald thanks. At least Fro and Goatee aren't likely to make fun of that."

The two boy brought several sweets off the trolley, including Chocolate 'Fros, Beardie Bunn's Every Flavour Shaving Cream, Pumpkin Pony-Tails and Liquorice Curling Wands.

As they were tucking in, Dracomb-over Malfoy entered the compartment, with what appeared to be two hairy gorillas.

"This is Wigcent Grabbe, and that's Goyledie Locks," he said carelessly, before looking at Afron. "Unstyled hair, a droopy moustache... You must be a Weaveley."

Afron looked angry, and Hairy glared at Dracomb-over. The bully was reminding him more and more of Dudley.

"At least his awesome hair colour is natural," he said. "What's your secret Malfoy? Peroxide? A wig?"

Malfoy looked scandalised at the suggestion, but before he could retaliate, Shearers bit Goyledie Locks on the finger, and the three boys fled hastily for the compartment, screaming about TB.

Hairy and Afron thought they'd catch a break, but seconds later a girl with frizzy hair walked into the compartment with a timid-looking blond boy.

"Has anyone seen a toad?" she asked. "Neville Longmullet's lost one."

"No," said Afron bluntly. "Go away."

The girl didn't seem to take the hint, so excited her moustache was vibrating. She introduced herself as Permione Granger, and went on to talk for several minutes about Hogshair and all the books she'd already read. Hairy was a bit interested, until she brought up the fact she knew him from reading History books.

At that point he just felt awkward, and a bit intimidated by her knowledge of Barbery.

Afron seemed to picked up on this, as he told the girl to stop wigging on, in a harsh manner, but it did the job and she left.

When they finally arrived at Hogshair, after a journey across the Ebony Lake, they were greeted by a stern looking goth woman with a sleek black moustache. She introduced herself as Professor McBunaball, and took them into the Strate Hall to be "Housed".

Hairy was very nervous, and the feeling only grew as a raggedy blue wig began to sing. However the song did help him learn more about Hogshair:

You may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat my bangs if you can find
A smarter head of hair than me.

You can keep your afros black,
Your mohawks sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Housing Hair
And I can shave them all.

There's nothing hidden in your head
The Housing Hair can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.

You might belong in Gryffinhawk,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their willingness to experiment,
Sets Gryffinhawks apart;

You might belong in Hufflepuffy
Where they all sport such poofy hair
Those hairy Hufflepuffies are careful,
And consistent in what they wear;

Or yet in wise old Ravenhair,
If you've a ready mind,
Where those of snips and chopping,
Will always find their kind;

Or perhaps in Stacherin,
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any products,
To tend to their split ends.

So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And there's no need to stare!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm the Housing Hair!

Hairy watched Permione Granger and Neville Longmullet were both Housed into Gryffinhawk, where they were received with much foot stamping and hooting. When it came to his turn, Professor McBunaball set the Housing Hair on his head, and the scraggly blue bangs fell over his eyes, blocking out the rest of the people in the Strate Hall who were whispering his name and staring. While the hair debated for what seemed like forever, it eventually Housed Hairy in Gryffinhawk too, and he was followed by Afron.

Sitting at the table as Dumblebeard gave his four word speech -- "Nitwig, Barrett, Ointment, Toque" -- Hairy was introduced to Permy Weaveley, who soon started talking to Permione; a ghost called Nearly-Hairless Nick, who showed them that he had nearly been scalped, but his hair was still held on with a flap of skin; and Weeves, a poltergeist who was apparently very disruptive, but scared of Professor McBunaball who would blare emo music at him until he floated away clutching his ears.

Stroking his moustache as he stuffed Treacle Tart into his mouth, Hairy could barely believe any of what he was seeing, but it was real.

There were other people with the same sort of hair as him.