This impossible year since summer :)

I had a rough night. {august 1st, 2017}

Okay. So I have a problem..
An addiction.

I can't stop myself from self harming. I can't stop being sad. It just seems impossible at this point.
I want my friends to be happy, so I'll act like I'm happy and alright.

They need to stay positive and happy. They don't need my Negativity.

I've carved two new words on my thighs with my new razor. "Ugly" "worthless"

The word "worthless" describes me in a way that no other word can. I can't ever be good enough for my parents, I need to always be perfect, happy, and positive. I'm a good for nothing piece of dirt. I'm weak. Just so disgusting.. I hate myself and I wish I could be better for everyone. I bet no one would've left me in the past if I wasn't so useless and clingy. I cling to people because I always have faith that they won't go no matter how many times people leave me. They promise me that they won't leave and how they're "not like other people." I'm done with that. If they leave, they leave. If they stay, They stay.

The word "ugly" describes me on the outside. Gross. Disgusting. Fat. I can't even believe anyone that says I'm not ugly. They're just lying so they can get me to stop saying it and leave them alone about it. I just wish I was a pretty girl. A perfect 10. But I'm afraid miracles don't exist in my world.

I just fought so hard to put the razor down. I just couldn't. I needed it. It's my instant relief.

I'm sorry to the friend that sees this. I failed you.

But I'll always fail everyone.

Because that's the thing about me.

I'm useless.