Dear Kayden,

Chapter 1

Lorraine

I walk up to the podium, my hands shaking as they clutch the piece of paper that has my eulogy scrawled across it. No amount of words could measure up to the way I felt, and still feel, about Kayden, but I tried my best to give him the beautiful words that he deserves.

I look out at the people who have attended, all dressed from head to toe in black, and wonder what the true purpose of a funeral really is. It doesn't seem to honor Kayden like I had hoped it would. The pews are filled with people who couldn't have cared less about him while he was alive, yet they come here with tears falling down their faces as if he had meant so much to them. It all sickens me, really, and I wish he could have been honored in a way that he truly deserved. Kayden deserves so much more than this crowd full of fake pity and empathy that will all disappear by the time the sun rises tomorrow. I and a select few others, however, will never be able to live a normal life again without feeling the effect of his loss.

I take in a deep, unsteady breath before beginning to speak. "For those of you that don't know me, my name is Lorraine Wilson. For those of you that do know me, you know that Kayden and I have been best friends since we were just kids. He was there for me since the beginning; an ever constant presence in my life. If you knew Kayden, you know that he had such a magnetic personality. You couldn't be around him and not smile. His uncontainable joy was contagious.

"Although all of these things are true of him, the sad reality is that he, like most others, had a side to him that he did not always express to the people around him. I was one of the select few that got a good enough peek into his magnificent mind to know the real him. He struggled, more than a person should ever have to struggle, and I wish more than anything that I could have reached far enough into the place he had retreated to and saved his life. He deserved so much more than this. He felt so deeply; he was fiercely loyal, compassionate, and protective of the ones he loved.

"I just want everyone here to know that Kayden Rielly Connors was the best person that I have ever known. He was and still will be my favorite person to ever walk this earth. My connection with him was the strongest thing I have ever felt. He has made his mark on my life, changed me forever, and I know that as long as I live I will never forget him."

I force a smile as I step down the podium, tears brimming my eyes. I look down to my feet as I make my way back to my pew beside Emory. She takes my hand when I sit down, lightly squeezing it for reassurance that I spoke well of him. I glance up at her and feel my stomach sink when I see the tears on her cheeks.

After the service ends, people slowly shuffle out to either leave or head to the cemetery where he will be buried. Only his family and close friends will be going to the burial. A few people approach me to apologize or compliment my eulogy, and I try my best to respond with polite nods and forced smiles. I glance over to the casket that still resides at the altar of the sanctuary and notice Maverick sitting in the first pew with his head in his hands. I take this as my opportunity to escape the people that keep trying to talk to me and go to sit beside him.

I decide not to say anything but instead just sit with him in quiet because I know that no words could ever bring comfort to someone in his current position. He sits up when he senses my presence, running his hands through his hair and turning to look at me. It is hard to maintain eye contact with him because he shares the same piercing blue irises of his brother. I reach for his hand and hold it in both of mine, the gesture providing him with all of the things I want to say but simply can't.

He stands, then, tightening his fingers around mine and leading me over to Kayden's casket. The bullet hole was too gruesome for the morticians to fix up, so the lid is tightly closed. I feel a stinging pain shoot through my chest as I realize that the last time I would ever see his face was as he was lying there, cold and lifeless, with a gaping hole through his head.

I run my fingers across the cold, shiny surface of the casket, letting my thoughts wander. I wish more than anything that I could just see him once more... If I could just hear his voice or look into his eyes one last time. I'm afraid that one day I will forget these things, and when I try to picture him in my mind I won't be able to see anything. I don't want to forget the way he sounded when he said my name, the way it felt to hug him after a long day, or the way his smile could brighten up any circumstance.

"Mav?" I ask, finally finding my voice.

"Yeah?" he responds, neither of us taking our eyes off of the casket.

"How do we get past this?"

He sighs, hesitating before speaking at almost a whisper, "I don't know." He briefly squeezes my hand before letting go and walking away, leaving me alone in a cold silence.

A few minutes pass before I hear Emory's soft voice behind me. "Are you okay?" she asks, resting her head on my shoulder.

"No, not really. Are you?" I ask, not yet turning around to face her.

"Not at all," she whispers, and I hear a certain pain behind her voice that I hadn't noticed before. I can tell that it's genuine. "We have to go now, they're about to take the casket. I told Jocelyn that we'd meet them at the cemetery. She and Maverick just left." I nod and take one last longing look at the casket before I follow Emory out to her car.

By the time we arrive at the burial and they have Kayden ready to be lowered into the ground, rain drops are slowly beginning to fall down upon us. I pull my coat over my shoulders as most other people do the same. I stand between Emory and Maverick in silence, watching the drops splash off of the casket and soak the bouquet of white roses that rest atop it.

As the rain steadily begins to increase, the pastor who lead the funeral service begins to quote several scriptures about how Kayden will now rest in God's hands for eternity. I don't really think that I would consider myself religious, but I am also not opposed to the idea of God and a life after this one. All I know for sure is that if there is a God out there, then he'd be someone who is loving and forgiving. He'd never turn away someone as good and genuine as Kayden was. If he is anywhere right now then it must be in a beautiful heavenly place.

The sky is now a dark, mournful gray, with storm clouds slowly approaching us at a threatening crawl. The rain pelts the hoods of our coats and the tops of our umbrellas, providing the sad, gloomy atmosphere that you'd see in a movie. The skies are crying out, the melancholy droplets rushing down the side of the casket in a never ending race, always struggling against gravity.

I can't bring myself to look away as the casket begins its descent into the ground. It feels as if I am watching my entire life disappear before my eyes. I'm not ready to let him go.

"I love you," I whisper as I catch my very last glimpse of him forever.