Memoria Speculo

Nora

A/N: This story deals with grief and loss in a way that can be triggering for some people. It's also written in second person, so expect it to be a bit more in-your-face than normal.

You weren't ready. It was like you couldn't understand that it was true. Even though you heard the words clearly you just couldn't grasp the meaning of them. That she was dead. Your mom cried, and your dad comforted her, his face pained with grief. You just sat there, entirely expressionless and unable to speak a word.

Then you ran. You left the house and raced down the street with tears spilling over onto you cheeks. Some of the garden still had their Christmas lights up, even though it was late January. The night air was biting cold, but you barely noticed it, even though you'd your jacket behind. You just ran and ran until your legs couldn't carry you, until you fell down, numbed by tiredness and grief, into a pile of snow by the side of the road. You were lucky Erik's mom saw you and brought you in, to the warmth. Otherwise you would have been as dead as your sister now.

°°°

The next day you didn't go to school, and not the day after that either. You simply didn't have the energy or will to. All you wanted to do was curl up under your covers and vanish from the face of the Earth. Your parents tried to give you food, but you didn't want to eat, you wanted to die. Or did you really? You didn't know. The only thing you knew was that you wanted her to be alive again. For her to ring he doorbell and say that no, it wasn't her that was in that car, it was someone else. But that would never happen. So you just lain there, crying, sleeping and crying again. You were surprised that you didn't run out of tears. Eventually, you had to go to school anyways. But that just made everything worse.

°°°

As soon as you placed your foot on the cracked asphalt you were assaulted by the first question.

"How is Nora really? 'Cause she's sick, right?"

It was Elinor who had asked you, her blue eyes practically shining with worry and concern. You Just pushed her away. Her face shifted to annoyance and insult, and she only scoffed as she waked away with quick, angry steps. After her it was Markus, Olivia, Gustav, Tobias and all the others you would have called your friends if you were in a better mood. They bombarded you with questions about how Nora was feeling, if you were sick too, should you really be in school if Nora wasn't? After all, you were twins. Only Erik stood a way back, the only one who knew what had happened to Nora. he stood leaning against a wall, his charcoal coloured hair in sharp contrast of the burnt red brick behind him. The others circled in closer, and you hissed at them to shut up and leave you alone. At fist they looked shocked, then they turned around and walked back to the school building, muttering angrily amongst themselves. When they had left you truned to Erik and stormed over to him, something red-hot at foreign fueling your steps. You were close to the roots poking out of the asphalt, but you stayed on balance until you were face-to-face. You slammed a hand into the wall next to his head and stared him down, something that wasn't especially difficult considering he was at least a head shorter than you.

"What the fuck did you say about Nora?" you hissed through clenched teeth as Erik seemed to sink into himself in panic.

"I- I said nothing! I said I didn't know anything" he squealed before slipping under your arm and rushing towards the school building. You stood still, empty of all feelings except for that burning anger. Finally the bell rang, and you started slowly making your way back to your classroom. Still boiling with anger you threw the classroom door open, slammed it closed and sat down with a loud thud.Your homeroom teacher didn't look happy, but at least he didn't yell at you.

"How fitting that you decided to show up right now," he said, correcting his glasses "We were just about to talk about Nora"

You froze, as if the teacher was a gorgon you just stared right in the face. Talk about Nora?

"I think you noticed Nora hasn't been here for a while," the teacher continued. "Well, the case is... that Nora is dead"

The reaction was instant. The whole class turned towards you, staring like you were the one who died. You just sat there, silent and unable to move. But then all the questions started again,and you had enough. You got up from your chair and headed for the door. Even after you slammed it shut you could hear their chatter, all the stupid gossip. So you ran again. You ran home as fast as you could and slammed the door, locking it in a hurried stupor. Then, you screamed. You screamed because everything was unfair, because Nora didn't deserve to die. Then finally, when you had screamed out all your anger and grief, you collapsed on the hallway floor and fell asleep.

°°°

When you woke up it was still bright outside. It was maybe a couple hours later, you guessed. The hole in you, now devoid of anger, filled with longing. You got up and wandered aimlessly around the house, your eyes sweeping across the walls. All the pictured of Nora were torn down from the wall, so you climbed up to the attic where you knew your mom had hidden them. The box with the pictures wasn't at all hard to find. It was a small cardboard box in the corner of the attic space, and in a last attempt to scare the feelings away you took a deep breath before opening it. The top picture was only a couple of months old. The whole family had been on vacation when a photographer had stopped them, asking if he could take a picture of Nora with one of those old Polaroid cameras. He'd given her one of the pictures, and you had all hung it in the hallway. Slowly, you picked it up, pushing it against your chest.

"Nora," you whispered. "Nora, why can't you come back? I would give you anything. I would give you everything I own and promise I'll never be mad at you. Nora, please, just come back."

You continued begging, even though you knew it wouldn't change anything. Nora was dead and that would never change.

°°°

You never really understood funerals. What's the point in saying goodbye if no one can hear you? One by one you saw the others go up to the closed casket, whispering something inaudible. You had asked to go last, something you were starting to regret. Silently you twirled the rose between your fingers. White, even though everyone else had red roses. It was your mothers idea for you to stand out, be an equal, living opposite to Nora. A white rose on a black casket. When your dad finally sat down again it was your turn. You could feel everyone else's eyes piercing you, how they searched you out, you who was so alike to Nora. How they wanted you to be Nora, for you to be able to take her place. You dropped your rose from a small height, hearing the click as the rose's thorns hit the casket's lacquered surface. Instead of going back to your chair, you headed straight for the door. You were careful to not slam it, instead allowing it to slide shut quietly. That's when you heard it. Nora's voice. 

You could almost see her before you, her blonde hair sparkling with snowflakes, dressed in the bright red cloak she loved so much. You heard it again. She was calling your name from inside your head. You didn't save me, it said. You didn't save me, you let me die. Tears flowed down your cheeks, and you slowly began walking. You had to see her again, ask for forgiveness and never leave her side again. When you realized where your feet had led you, you knew what you had to do. It was ages ago since the local government gave up on the construction work, but high-speed trains still passed by there. Abandoned construction material laid spread haphazardly across the area, and the lights had stopped working ages ago. You could hear the train approaching, its lanterns shining like the eyes of a cat. You took a step out on the tracks, a smile on your cracked lips. You would get to see her again. Like you didn't notice that I had been there all along.