Memoria Speculo

Turn Me Back

She could see him at the end of roof, his back turned to her. She was running, but she didn't notice or even particularly care. She just needed to reach him, to take a hold of him, to tell him stop, please wait. 

Ten meters, then only five left. She slowed down, and he turned around, painstakingly slow, as if he knew she was there and didn't want to face her. Honestly, she didn't blame him, after what she had said...

But he didn't look mad or upset when his face turned into view. There was a saddened yearning in his eyes, like he wanted, desperately, to reach out to her. She extended her hand, and his lips parted, beginning to say something, but no sound escaped him. She moved even closer, this time slow, stunned by the peculiar situation. She reached to take his hand, to pull him away from that goddamn rooftop, but as soon as her hand grazed his, he faded. 

Slowly but surely, all to quickly in her eyes, his skin turned translucent, the contours of his body barely hanging on. He looked at her, looking so sad that she could hear her own heart breaking, the impact sending shock waves through her chest, knocking the air out of her lungs. 

Before he could vanish, his lips moved again, forming two silent, unforgiving words. I'm sorry.

She wanted to stop him, say that no, he shouldn't be sorry, she was the one to blame. She tried returning the words, shouting them so that maybe he could hear them. But he was gone, the last shadow faded. She didn't care. She shouted it again, sinking to her knees.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

There was a shift in her as she ran out of breath, as the last bit of oxygen escaped her. She gasped, hands against the concrete. There was another truth in her, another thing she needed to say, even if he was gone and couldn't hear her. In his place, she whispered it to the empty roof, to the stars that dotted the night sky, and to the little piece of him that would always be caught in her.

I love you.

I love you.

The words echoed through his chest, dangerously close to the tip of his tongue as he heard her steps behind him. She was running, her breath winded. He could sense the regret on her even before she stopped behind him. 

She was to blame for this, he knew it. If she hadn't kissed him, if he hadn't responded to it, he might have been able to sneak back undetected. He had been doing so much to keep himself steady, to not let his emotions flare, but... She had been too much. 

When he told her, she had been so mad. She'd called him a liar, said he had been leading her on. Based on the way she was running, she probably thought that's why he was leaving now, that he chose to go back because of her. 

He turned to face her, to see the desperation and the fear in her eyes. He hated knowing that this was the last way he would see her, that he would leave her despaired. He tried to swallow the emotions that flooded him, tried to get them to give him just a few more seconds here, but then she reached for him and damn, there went his heart. He tried to speak, but he knew she couldn't hear him. He could feel himself deteriorating, slowly fading away. It didn't matter.

I love you, Olivia. 

He said it, over and over again, hoping she could understand him, read his lips. Instead she reached for him, and for a damning second, he could feel the light touch of her skin, before even that began to fade. He wished he could stay, that he could be the person she needed him to be, but then, everything paled, disappearing around the corners of his eyes. In the last seconds before he vanished, he spoke again, new words filling his chest.

I'm sorry.

Then, everything faded.

He opened his eyes to that silvery-white daze he had worked so hard to flee. It was impossible to tell up from down here, but he though he was laying on his back. Fuck, he hated limbo.

Michael was standing a few meters away from him, eyes laced with disgust.

"Did you honestly think that you can run back to Earth like that? Do you have any idea how much havoc you have caused?"

He wanted to say fuck you, it doesn't matter to you, what I had to give up for this. But there was a change in Michael's eyes, as if he had been in the same position, done the same thing. The next time he spoke, there was nothing but sympathy in his voice.

"I know it hurts, Alexander, but she's alive. She belongs on Earth and you don't, not anymore. Death is like that, Alexander. It hurts, and it hurts like hell."

His thoughts drifted back to her, and he knew. He had to let her go.