Politico

Peter

Emily's POV

Sensing that what I am about to share is something important, Alison sits up in bed and faces me as she gives me her undivided attention.

Maybe I should back out. No, I can't. I need to share this. I want to share this. 

"So do you remember how I told you that I was in a really dark place back in college? Right before I hit that poor girl with my car" I ask as I continue to glare holes in the ceiling.

"Yes, of course. I've been curious as to why you were in such a bad place. But... I never pushed it... I figured that you would tell me eventually if you felt comfortable enough" Alison replies.

"Well... did you know that I have a brother" I ask plainly. "I'm sorry. Had a brother" I continue as I feel myself begin to tear up.

Alison senses this and instantly entangles her hand in mine.

"His name was Peter" I choke as a result of the large lump forming in my throat. "And God I just miss him so much... A part of me died the day that he died".

"Tell me more about him" Alison encourages as she begins to rub gentle tracks on my hand.

Smiling now, I reply, "He was a year older than me. But we were practically twins. He could piss me off to high heaven but I simply adored him. He could make me laugh like none other. As a child, I thought the world revolved around him. I wanted to do everything he did and be just as good at it. All throughout life, he would push me to do better and be better for myself and for those around me. At times, he'd act more like a father than a brother. Sometimes we would fight like cats and dogs, but at the end of the day, we'd always make up. It was just what brothers and sisters do ya know? And boy was he protective over me. One would think that my father would be the one to scare away the guys I'd date in high school. But no...no that was all my brother's doing. In his opinion, no one was ever good enough to be with me. He said that he used to be able to look into a person's eyes and be able to see their true nature. He'd be able to use his heart to guide his gut feeling about someone. I used to tell him that it made him sound like an 80 year old man. Peter didn't care though. He loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me."

"He sounds amazing. A truly loyal and devoted brother" Alison smiles looking down at me.

"He really was" I confirm. "And so much more. Growing up, there was so much love in our household. I know looking at it now, it seems highly unlikely. But it's the truth. Peter was the glue that held us together. He was the light and joy in each of our lives. My parents were always busy with their careers and we both understood that. I think that's why we became so close too. When my parents were free, they'd make damn sure that we had quality time together. We'd go places and do things together in every free minute possible. Early on, I knew that if we wanted to continue the lavish lifestyle that we grew accustomed to, then our parents would have to work hard to support it".

"Work hard, play hard, love hard. Never forget that love, truth, and family are the only things that can make our time on this planet worth while.... That's what my parents used to drill into our brains. But all of that... every last bit of it, was gone the day he died" I continue as I feel myself choking up again.

"Emily you don't have to continue if it's too painful" Alison assures as she continues to hold my hand.

"No I want to" I reply looking down at our intertwined fingers and noticing that her simple touch was giving me the strength to continue on. "It was the summer before I went to college. It was our final family trip before I joined my brother in college and my parents would become empty nesters. We decided to keep it simple and spend a week at the lighthouse in Connecticut. My father originally bought it as a retirement place for him and my mother. Somehow it turned into our private family getaway. The lighthouse was abandoned and no longer in use, but it still had an incredible view and a simple, gorgeous home on the property. We all used to fly kites, build sand castles, play volleyball, surf, relax, you name it. The sandy beach that was just a stones throw away from the renovated home was where our family found the deepest level of peace. One morning, Peter and I noticed that the waves were finally perfect. So we decided to go surfing out by the cape while my parents reclined on beach chairs by the shoreline. They cheered us on when we caught a wave and laughed when we wiped out. I vividly remember the moment the both of us spotted a mammoth wave coming right towards us. We were both so competitive that we jumped at the chance to claim the wave. I was faster than Peter and ultimately won out even though I had never attempted a wave of that magnitude and force. Truthfully, I was terrified but I wasn't going to let him know that. I had a handle on it at first. I'd never felt more alive than in that moment. The adrenaline rush was addicting and I felt like I was flying.... Yet somewhere along the way, I lost control and majorly wiped out. The board flew out from underneath my feet, flew up into the air, and came crashing back done right on my head. It all happened so fast and I didn't have time to react or prepare myself. I guess my board knocked me out cold and I reemerged floating virtually lifeless. Peter was the closest to me and swam right over to try and save me from drowning. In the meantime, wave after wave crashed down upon us and Peter struggled to keep us afloat. Eventually my father made it out to us and Peter encouraged him to take me back to shore. He'd follow right behind. Once on the shoreline, my dad gently placed me on the sand as my mom called 911. When my dad turned around to see how Peter was doing.... well... he wasn't there".

Sensing that the next part of my story was about to be incredibly painful to recall, Alison silently scoots closer to me.

"Emily, you're shaking" Alison states as she grips my hand a little tighter and uses her other hand to delicately brush loose strands of hair out of my face.

"I remember the moment that I woke up" I continue on while trembling as I struggle to maintain a small semblance of composure. "My vision was blurry at first and my head felt like it was going to pop off my neck. I was disoriented but one thing brought me out of my state of confusion... the noise that was coming from my mother's mouth... it.. it was completely heartbreaking to hear. I will never forget it. Her sobs and total anguish were what cued me into the fact that something terrible had happened. I could see that she was torn between staying with me and whatever she kept looking at out in the ocean. That's what prompted me to turn my attention towards the direction of her gaze. Only then did I see my dad frantically racing back into the water. I didn't see Peter anywhere and in the blink of an eye, everything hit me. My heart sank to the depth of my stomach and I felt all of the air vanish from my lungs. This invisible wave of impending doom flooded over me and I knew my dad was desperately looking for Peter out in the water. I tried to stand up and go help his search, but I was too weak and ultimately fell back onto the powdery sand. Lord only knows how long my dad searched for Peter. Could have been minutes... yet it felt like hours. In the end, he found Peter unconscious on the rocks at the tip of the cape. I can still see the panic in his eyes as he carried Peter's limp body in his arms all the way to the paramedics that met him on the green grass of our back yard. In a flash, they loaded Peter and my father into the back of the ambulance and raced off towards the hospital. A lone EMT stayed behind with my mother so he could assess me until the next ambulance arrived. Even though I felt like I would pass out again and the any second, I still remember the feeling that I felt in the pit of my soul as I watched my mother's eyes and racing thoughts. I could tell she was worried about me yet was quietly suffocating from the uncertainty of Peter's condition. Being torn between your two children in crisis... Desperately wanting to be in two places at once yet having to settle for the cards you've been dealt. I can't accurately describe to you the kind guilt I felt and still feel to this day".

I transition myself to a sitting position that matches Alison's because I suddenly feel like a panic attack is only a few heartbeats away. Grief, guilt, and self-inflicted blame become the predominant emotions that consume my body and every waking thought. Pounding my fist onto my sheets as anger and despair begin to ooze from within me, I rant, "If I hadn't have been so damn competitive and attempted something way out of my league... Peter would still be here. We wouldn't have had to take him off life support. We wouldn't have put him six feet under. Peter would be here with me. We all wouldn't have lost the joy in our lives. We all wouldn't have become the heartless monsters that we are today. Peter should be here.... but he's not... and I still feel like I can't breathe".

Looking up at Alison through my tear filled, puffy eyes, I can see that she's crying as well. Sadness and sympathy engulf the waters of the blue eyes that are gazing back at me so attentively. Without a word, Alison pulls me close to her for a warm, long, comforting hug. I initially put up a small fight but inevitably melt beneath her soft and supportive embrace.
"Oh Emily I'm so terribly sorry" Alison interjects after a few moments of silence as she allows me to release these long overdue tears of pure pain. Leaning backwards, Alison seamlessly transitions us to a comfortable cuddling position.

"I'm sorry I'm getting your shirt all wet with my tears" I manage to say in between the endless pattern of tears and hyperventilating breaths.

"Shhh... it's okay. Just let it all out Emily" Alison coos as she softly places my arm across her torso, pulls the covers over us, and begins to soothingly stroke my hair.

Between the exhaustion I felt from finally releasing all of the emotions that I'd held in for all of these years, Alison gently stroking my hair, and the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat, I quickly fell fast asleep on her chest. In that moment, restful slumber within the comfort of Alison's embrace calmed my noisy thoughts and a temporary period of peace graced my troubled soul during this evening of healing.