Politico

Pause

Alison's POV

I can't believe I just admitted that. To Emily of all people.

The clicking sound of her designer heels immediately stops in response to my outburst. The sound of a roaring ambulance dozens of stories below on the city street is the only sound to fill my ears.

Nothing... She says nothing as she stands motionless with her back facing me. Great. I've really done it now. Turning my back on her, I begin to cry as I stare out into the night sky. That's when the sound of her heels begins again. Oh this is lovely. She's walking away and going to do God only knows what with that information.

Okay Ali, breathe. Just breathe. Close your eyes. In and out. That's it.

Suddenly, a warm hand glides over the top of mine, resting comfortably and enveloping itself in my hand.

"Don't cry. Tell me what happened" Emily cooes sweetly.

While struggling to compose myself again, I can't seem peel my eyes away from her hand tucked in mine.

"Hey, look at me" Emily continues, "Tell me what happened".

Cautiously lifting my gaze to meet hers, I study Emily's face as I attempt to read her inner thoughts. Her eyes are full and focused. Her slight smile coaxes me continue. There's something different about the face I see before me. While familiar in a sense, it feels like we're meeting for the first time. The face before me is warm and soft... compassionate even. For the first time, I'm catching a glimpse of the sweeter side of Emily Fields and I want to soak it all in while I can.

"I don't even know where to begin" I groan helplessly as I remove my hand from her delicate embrace and nervously rub my hands together.

"Just start with the first thing that comes to mind" Emily replies matter of factly.

"A little over a year and a half ago, I met someone" I say as I lean against the ledge.

Mimicking my stance, Emily folds her arms across her torso and replies, "Go on".

"It's not in the way that you're thinking. It was wrong... so horribly wrong from the start. But that didn't matter to me. All judgment and reason went out the window. The possible repercussions didn't matter to me. I wanted him and that's all there was to it. You see, I committed one of the worst sins in my profession. As a licensed mental health counselor, you're obligated to maintain a professional relationship with your clients at all times. You're not supposed to share personal aspects of your life with your clients. The focus is on them. The moment the therapist-client relationship develops into something more than that, it's like you've spit on the Ten Commandments. Nathan originally came to me for help with his PTSD. He had recently come back from finishing 3 tours in the Middle East and was finally seeking help for his mental afflictions. From the very first session, I knew that I was attracted to him. Everything started out professional at first until he eventually began to feel better and experienced fewer episodes. I saw him begin to transform into a happier man and I couldn't help but take great pride in his accomplishments. Before I knew it, the dynamic between us became flirtatious but that invisible line remained uncrossed. Nathan was very charming and persistent. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I eventually gave in to his advances. Our relationship turned sexual the moment I let him kiss me and have his way with me in my office. In that moment, my desires and attraction towards him completely took over me. I didn't care that I broke the cardinal rule of therapy. He wanted me and I wanted him. He made me feel things that I'd never felt before. He made me feel sexy and desirable. I guess I'd been so deprived of a romantic or sexual connection for so long that the moment I'd found it, I pounced at the opportunity. I brought my personal issues and insecurities into the dynamic and made our relationship terribly wrong and unhealthy. We continued our relationship over the next six months. Truthfully, I think I was more in love with the idea of being in love and being in a relationship. I never found actual love and true fulfillment with Nathan like I desperately desired. He simply temporarily helped fill a void and lessen an insecurity. He filled a sexual need and he filled the void when I didn't want to be alone at night. I think I just woke up one day and couldn't handle the lies, the secrets, the guilt, and the unhealthy nature of our relationship anymore. I was lying to him and making him think we could be something when in reality, I could never truly give myself to Nathan. More importantly and detrimentally, I was lying to myself and compromising my integrity and my job. As a result, I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, professionally or personally. Let's just say that he didn't take it very well. I offered to arrange another therapist for him to see but he refused. The moment I broke things off with him, he told me that, "I was going to regret this". For the next few weeks, he'd call or text me periodically.... Always trying to get me to have a change of heart. I repeatedly told him that it was my fault that we ever crossed that forbidden line. I should have never had sex with him or continued to do so for months afterwards. Our relationship was unhealthy and he deserved better. One afternoon, everything came to a boiling point. I was in my office working on charting progress notes for each of my patients when my life turned upside down".

I struggle to form words as a large lump develops in my throat, distorting my voice and my ability to breathe clearly. Overdue, suppressed tears beg to escape my eyes as I begin to reflect on that horrible day.

"I was about to break for lunch when my dad suddenly burst into my office" I croak while wiping away a few tears that escaped my eyes. "In all my years, I'd never seen a look in his eyes like the one that was gazing back at me. It was angry, lost, scared, disappointed, confused, sad, and concerned all at once. I asked him what was wrong. I feared something had happened to my mother or brother. He remained speechless and handed me the folded up note in his hand. I anxiously opened the note and immediately knew it was from Nathan based on it's familiar, incredibly small handwriting. I'll never forget the awful words in that note".

"What did it say" Emily asks curiously.

"Alison Dilaurentis.... I'm doing this because of you. You broke my heart and you broke me. I was doing so well until you took my heart and crushed it into a million little pieces. I want you to know what that pain feels like. I want you to know what all consuming darkness and emptiness feels like. I have nothing left to live for so that's why I'm doing this. This is your fault. I hope you get up every single day, look in the mirror, and remember that if you hadn't ruined us, I wouldn't have killed myself. I hope you carry this burden for the rest of your life".

Recalling those words written so clearly and with such anger on that piece of paper still haunts me. So much so that I can practicslly see it in front of me like I'm reading it for the first time. The memory becomes too much for me to handle so I burst into uncontrollable, shaking sobs. Slumping to the cold, hard ground, I curl myself into a ball as I continue my hysteria.

Without hesitation, Emily sits down next to me and pulls me into her chest as she begins to soothingly rock us back and forth. After a few minutes sitting in silence as I cry in her arms, Emily urges me to continue.

Sniffling, I continue, "The moment I finished reading the note, I begged my father to tell me that they were able to get to Nathan in time and that he wasn't dead. He shook his head no and told me that Nathan shot himself in the head in his bedroom. My father and two other firefighters were the first ones on the scene. While the other two men checked the rest of the apartment to ensure everything was clear, my father noticed the note on the bedside table. The moment he saw my name on the note, he pocketed it before anyone could notice it and it became police evidence. In that moment, he wasn't acting as the fire chief. He was acting as a father. Even though he had no idea that I knew the unfamiliar dead man on the bed in front of him, he instinctively knew that if the police found out about whatever went on between us, it could greatly damage my life. And as my father, he decided that he needed to protect me even if that meant breaking the law by tampering with evidence. Emily I lost a bit of my soul that day. I felt like the devil himself had touched my skin causing an evil, poisonous infection to spread throughout my body. Everyday after that, I could feel it creeping closer and closer, threatening to seel the deal and forever extinguish the light in my heart. As a result of Nathan's suicide, I quit my practice and fell into a deep depression for months. When I started running out of money, I decided to open up a hair salon and close that chapter of my life forever. I was saying goodbye to the years of studying and hard work that I had put into my profession. I told myself that I'd never practice again because I was responsible for the death of a patient. I killed Nathan. I did that. Even though I didn't physically pull the trigger, I was there if you really think about it. My actions, my selfishness, and my mistakes drove him to kill himself. I was inside his head the moment he ended his life. If I had never crossed that line, he'd still be alive today. And he was right about one thing. I carry that guilt with me every single day of my life. But how could I not? I killed someone".