The Us I Thought We Were ↹ [Poetry]

A List of Things I Wanted to Know

A list scribbled in pencil on a torn sheet of notebook paper of things I wanted to know
But never got the chance to:

What is your favorite color
Book
Movie
Tv show
What happened to you when you were little
Who made you who you are today
Is there anything you would've done differently in your life if you were given the chance
Or would you be willing to relive the hard parts over and over again
Do you sleep on the left or the right side of a full sized bed
Do you like to cuddle
Or are you better off alone
With the cold bones of ghosts wrapped around you
Like I have spent so many nights encompassed in
Do you ever think about the end
Of your life or maybe everyone's
Do you believe there is anything beyond the earth
Other than dark matter and blank space
Do you even believe in that
How do you think we were all created
Do you believe in a god
When asked what you want to be when you grow up
Did you ever simply answer happy
Do you remember long strolls on the beach
Or carving your name into the earth with a shovel and a stick
Only to have it covered again by the inevitability of the waves
Did it ever irk you that nothing in this life is permanent
All will be forgotten in time
And soon time itself will be a memory of the past
What about history
Did you like learning about it as a kid
Did you see it as all of the mistakes we have made as a species
Or as a road map to where we are now
Covered in rips and names of places you have never been
But still a sign of pure beauty and progress
What do you think of politics
I've never been much for it myself
But by all means tell me your beliefs
I'll follow along as best I can
Because with each word you say
I learn more about your mind
It's quite fascinating really
I can find the darkest secrets
Hidden in the brightest places
Do you like going out to see the views this city holds secret from the world
Because no one knows where to look
Have you ever felt broken
Have you ever wanted to forget -
Everything
And just move past this world
Onto wherever this land of sugar canes and gum drops may be
Have you ever wanted to ask me
What happened to me when I was a little girl
Why I am like this
Constantly wondering
Constantly reminding myself that I am not useless
Because I don't have anyone to do it for me
Have you ever wanted to hold me
Have you ever realized from the tear stains in my eyes
That I cry myself to sleep every night
Thinking about my past mistakes
And people who know me deeper than you
Have you ever thought about after
After all of this what will happen
After you and me cease to exist
Just pages of a story never told
Memories of old
You see, I wanted to learn all about your insides
What makes you tick
You fascinated me with every inch of your being
And yet I have only shared a few memories with you
Some stolen glances
A smile across the street
We had these conversations about life
But what was it really to you
Did you ever wonder these things about me
I would've loved to tell you everything about myself
I guess you just missed out
But we're not in such a bad place now
We can still be the kind of friends
Who share these past memories
And smile knowing that we will always be in each other's lives
I have this list of things I wanted to know
And the only thing I continually ask myself is
What if there is the slightest chance we could be wrong
Maybe you and I didn't work
But we never really tried
You and me
I guess that the possibility we could be something more
Will just go down as another thing on my list of things I wanted to know
But will never get the chance to
So we can continue our little dance around the past
But you will always be the first thing scribbled on my list
In pen so I can never erase the idea of you
And the fact that I will always have to keep that on my list
Because we can never be together
And I know that now
So you will always be my favorite "what-if"
My top "could've been"
And my biggest regret