*sharp inhale* so I woke up at 1 this last night to find my stepdad cleaning the bathroom from head to toe. (And this is gonna be like a story time video kind of style so bare with me) so I go up to him and ask, "why are you cleaning" and he turns to me and tell me "you don't want to know". And of course, me being the little curious shit that I am, I just say "dude, tell me." Apparently, while I was asleep in my room, the kids playing around in the living room and the adults drinking beer in the front porch, someone had an accident. And you wouldn't believe who had an accident.
It was my Stepdad's friend, let's call him Gary. Turns out, he got impossibly drunk while everyone was still pretty sober. My stepdad told me that he fell asleep in the chair outside and when I guess he farted, he sharted. He actually shit his pants, while shit face. As I'm hearing about this my face is just completely "dude what the fuck, Gary?" I know Gary, he's a cool guy. But this actually surprised me. My stepdad said that he ran into the house and they were like "okay, that's weird." Until one of his friend's kids, Logan, tell them that "Gary smells like poop"
So my stepdad goes inside and he smells the shit. And, at the same time, Gary was still drunk. Gary asked through the door "hey, Steven. Can I borrow some gym pants?" Now my stepdad is utterly confused. So my stepdad opens the door and- Shit. Literal shit, everywhere. I'm laughing my ass off as he tells me this like "dude, that's impossible!" Gary got it on the floor, the toilet and in the fucking shower. It was so bad that he told me he started to throw up outside. He said it smelt horrible.
So everyone leaves and he's left to his sick stomach to clean up everything. He cleaned everywhere. He told me as he cleaned he still smelt it so he checked everywhere and finds that Gary used the fucking shower curtains to wipe his goddamn ass. So I'm on the floor DYING as he tells me. He had to throw away the curtains and little mats. And apparently, as Gary rushed into the bathroom, he damaged a light switch as the tried to smash it on. So just imagine a sad man with shit in his pants trying to wipe his ass on shower curtains in the dark.
And all I could think about "what the fuck is mom going to say." It's like the plot of an adult-comedy movie that got bad ratings for the amount of literal SHIT it had to offer. Not only was the bathroom a fucking mess, but my little sister's room was too. The fucking kids that came over absolutely destroyed her room like:
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Her toys are everywhere. You can't even walk in there. You're most likely to step on a lego than be able to walk to the bed. So tomorrow we're on a mission to get everything cleaned before my mom comes home from Las Vegas.
The worst part of this all was explaining to her what happened when she was gone on vacation with her friends from work. My stepdad tells her in a "beating around the bush" way but my mom isn't having any of it and she like "tell me what happened" and my stepdad tells her and she's just like "I'm gonna call you later. you better pick up your phone. My stepdad just sends a "o k a y" like:
My stepdad just tells me as we lay down "I'm so glad you woke up because I was fucked like: Aubrey was crying and gagging and I was cleaning shit up" and I was like: "I heard your call, my child. Your guardian angel is here to laugh their ass off with you." And that's how last night went. My stepdad described this as "A Ben stiller movie where he has the worst luck in the world." It was traumatizing for my stepdad. He could never look at our bathroom the same way. My stepdad said "the kids were bad but Gary was the icing on the cake..literally."
