death hotline (tomtord)

i couldnt save you

tord had woken up a couple of minutes ago after a long, boring shift that was full of worry. worry for tom.

tom had promised he wouldnt do anything stupid.

tom could keep a promise, right? promise to never put a gun to his head, promise to put a knife to his wrist, his chest? tom could promise. he was sure of it.

but tord couldnt promise. promise to love tom the way tom loved him.

tord laughed psychotically while tears rushed down his cheeks.

its okay, he repeated to himself in an attempt to comfort himself.

he couldnt. nothing worked. this anxiety was growing, making him feel empty inside.

then he heard it.

the sound that he thought he would never ever hear. the sound he wished to never break the silence and travel through his ears.

birds. newborn bluejays.

he looked outside of his window to see a blue jay in her nest, watching of her two eggs hatch. inside of one cracked egg he saw a dark blue inside.

and thats when he knew something was wrong. something horrible was happening, and now was his last chance.

//

he arrived at toms apartment, instead of knocking he kicked down the door and stood in the door in horror.

tom lie dead on the floor with a note taped to his chest. right below the note was a bullet hole and the gun still remained in his hand.

"no, no, no!" tord mumbled rushing to toms side. he cradled toms lifeless body in his arms. or what he though was lifeless until he heard the faintest breathing. toms eyes slowly fluttered open.

"tord..." he whispered.

"tom! tom, why?!" tord cried.

"tord... smile.. for me. one last... time." tom coughed.

tord was sobbing, but managed to fake a smile. tom laughed quietly.

tom put his hand on the letter, gently tearing it off of his hoodie.

"read....." to, murmured. his last words.

"tom? tom no dont leave me! i love you!!" tord sobbed. he thought just saying it would make it all better, but of course, this was reality. and he was a smidge late.

he looked down at the piece of paper, tightly gripping it.

it read,

dearest tord,

if you had never come into my life, this would have happened much earlier. thank you for keeping me alive. these were the best couple of weeks i could have ever asked for. you did your best, and there is no reason to be sad. its not your fault. its mine. my fault for being so dumb to think someone would love me. your to good for me.

tord, please dont be sad over my death. i dont want to see you sad or ever in pain. tord i will always be there, watching over you. i want to watch you live a happy life. meet your soulmate and get married. save more lives.

theres no reason to be sad. im not much of a loss, right? i wasnt a big chunk of your life, was i? clearly, i wasnt good enough for an 'i love you too.'

marry a woman, for gods sake. have a family. live an interesting life instead of one full of grief. that shouldnt happen, right? you didnt love me, so clearly it doesnt matter.

tord, this is what i have wanted. i have been waiting for this moment.

i purposefully shot myself in the chest instead of my head to make sure i was still alive for you. do you know how much pain i am going through?

neither do i. i was still alive while writing this. but i could only imagine. anyways,

its because you couldnt say three god damn words. i could have still been alive. we could have been on the phone, speaking together.

im not meaning to put the blame on you. its my fault for falling for such a man like you. this was all because of me. i was the cause, and i was the effect. its all me.

this is coming from my heart, tord. not my mind. my mind says i hate you, and my heart says i love you so dearly. and i do. you should already know that.

despite however you feel about me, i will always love you.

its time to move on.

goodbye tord, my love.

xoxo,

   tom ☺

tord crumpled up the paper and sobbed. he lied down next to tom, hugging him so very hard.

tord now knew he didnt work at a suicide hotline,

he worked at a

death hotline.