write me pretty words

Chapter Two

Gwyn's POV

"Table two needs three black coffees and a small mocha latte,"
Kathy says as she walks past me, placing her hand on the pages of my open notebook.
"Get your head out of that book and get to work. You can't eat pretty words," she says.
I smirk. She's right. Even though I am in the middle of what is turning out to be a lovely poem, my break is over. I need to get back to work.
I have been so distracted lately. My mind feels muddled and dilluted. Last month made a year since Pam has been gone. It feels unreal. Some times when I walk in the door to our apartment, I still expect to find her waiting for me. When I wake up from a nightmare about the car crash, some times I expect to find her comforting arms around me telling me it will all be okay. Her long curly twisted hair and chocolate colored skin cradling me. But waking from the nightmare only brings more tears, because unlike most nightmares, I really can't wake up from this one.  She will always be gone. No one can bring her back.

After a particularly brutal shift, I walk in the door of our apartment. Funny I still call it "our" apartment. But it was and always will be ours.
Felix, our hairless cat saunters over to me, rubbing his body against my legs and purring. I pick him up and laugh.
"Hey buddy.  I missed you too."

The poetry reading is tonight.  I need to go. I need to "participate"  in life, as Pam used to say. But every time I step on that stage all I see are flames and all I can hear is her screaming.
The night of the accident, I got thrown from the vehicle but miraculously, I just got really bad road rash, cuts and a minor concussion.  When I came to, I could see thick black smoke and flames coming from our overturned car and I could hear her screaming.  She was screaming for me. I tried to do something. Anything. But the car trapping the woman I loved burned up before my eyes and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I ran towards the car but the people who had pulled over to help and call 911 pulled me back. They kept saying, "Stop you'll get burned!" By the time the first responders got there, her screams had stopped. She was gone. Some days I wish I had been inside that car too. Days like today when being without her feels so empty. That's every day honestly. 

I splash cold water in my face at the kitchen sink. The little blue rock sitting on the windowsil catches my eye. I can't help smiling. It's the rock we found on our first date at the park. It was so perfectly round and an unusually bright blue so we decided to keep it. 5 years later, it sits on this windowsil.
Shedding my coffeehouse uniform, I throw on a floral pair of leggings and a bright yellow oversized sweater that was Pam's. It was one of her favorites.
I pull my thick black hair back in a pony tail and rummage through my drawer, retrieving my engagement ring. Yes, we were engaged. She had proposed to me in February on a cold snowy day when we were drinking cocoa on the couch. I remember that feeling. So much joy. It is honestly an indescribable feeling being loved that much and knowing that someone will always love you and wants you to be theirs forever. Our forever never really got started.
I slide the ring on my finger. A ruby. Pam said I was too special for a diamond. She said an unordinarily beauitful woman deserved a ring worthy of her. I cannot bear wearing it all the time because I randomly start crying when I look at it.  But I always wear it to poetry readings.  It makes Pam feel close to me. Like she is with me. I wish she was still with me. More than anything. 

Writer's Notes: So sorry. I have been terribly busy. And haven't had much time to write.  Trying to get back into it. Thank you❤