[warning: i somehow ended up having a mental breakdown while writing this. please forgive me, it wasn't my intention to confess my feelings. if not interested, scroll down straight to the question in bold letters!]
hey everyone..
i'm sorry for not updating too much these days. i know that ever since i started writing i always would claim to be sorry and it doesn't even sound real anymore but i am really sorry.
i have a huge favor to ask you guys and i hope that you won't be mad. it's about the fate of this story.
to be completely honest, i am not even one bit to being proud about this story. i am so embarrassed with it because i don't know what happend to me that i started writing extremely fictional stuff that make no sense. i don't know. maybe it's because my mental illness have gotten better, maybe because of the fact that i am happy now, i started writing non sense. i rushed this story too much and that just doesn't make sense. i rushed everything.
i have being thinking about this ever since i published the prologue, and i tried to burry it deep in my heart, saying that i already published a few chapters and that people were now already in the flow of the story and that if i actually edit the story, it'll just mess up things. it's being suffocating me so much. it is suffocating me now while i'm writing this note, as i lay in my bed with an emotionless face, listening to sad lofi hip hop songs. and i know that it's not worth the worry but i don't know what's wrong with me, school is near and i am moving to a new one, so i just naturally become depressed and anxious all over again.
i keep worrying about everything. i worry about the finals that are probably going to be held by the end of the next year, i worry about not having friends because i know that no one likes me and it's a fact that i managed to learn ever since kindergarten, i worry about being the loner freak who is always early to school and ends up listening to music while sitting on window bridges, not actually afraid of falling down and dying because it's what she wants. i worry about actually having a friend in the near future but them turning out to be a snake. heck, i even worry about having to marry someone who wouldn't satisfy my emotionally, because i know that men hate clingy people, and i just want to spend my life with someone who would shower me with love and who wouldn't think of me as annoying or sensitive. i worry about how i worry about things that haven't happend. i worry about not trusting God enough to make my life better. i worry about how i claim to be mentally ill when i never had the chance to visit a therapist. is this what they call anxiety or am i just excessively worrying about everything and anything? i'm confused.
i try to seek help, but as soon as people online actually talk to me which i appreciate to high levels i feel so nervous and uncomfortable, and i just keep wishing that they'd leave me alone and just leave the conversation because i know that they wouldn't succeed in stopping me. i hate how bipolar i am. i'd be asking people to talk to me if they care but when they do i hate it, i hate getting out of my comfort zone. i'm too used to be lonely and i am never comfortable with opening up to anyone anywhere. this is what keeps me living in constant emptiness. everyday i would just wake up, be patient and wait for the annoying day to pass, wait for the night to come. when it does, i'd feel at bliss. i would hug my pillow tightly, wishing that it would somehow turn into someone i would snuggle into and hold onto for dear life. i wouldn't wish for a better life because i know people have it worse and i shouldn't be complaining, but i would only wish to see Chanyeol in my dreams like i used to do, when he would hug me so gently and i'd be sent to cloud nine. my head only reached his stomach but he would sit down somewhere, bring me to his lap and place my head exactly in his heart area. he would brush his fingers through my hair and kiss the top of my head softly, and when i would look up he'd smile like an angel and assure me that everything will be better soon. i wish dreaming about him. i haven't had those dreams in months, i have to go through nightmares where i hurt everyone i love and put them in danger, even worse, taking their lives. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of everything. i just want my heart and mind to be at peace. i don't want to have clear skin, a perfect body, money nor to meet EXO, i just want peace. i just want to claim that i am fine without feeling that painful tug in my heart that just shows how it hurts to keep lying to everyone, that just tears me to pieces and it would hurt more to know that i have to fix myself by myself. no one would help and i know it. and i know that killing myself isn't an option as i may loose the chance of having a happy ending where i hope i'd be having a family, to be a doctor that people would praise for saving their lives and for helping them reach a level of happiness and good health, or to just roam around the world.
i'm sorry for this sudden breakdown, it honestly wasn't my intention. i was thinking that i was doing a good job in hiding it but i'm tired of that. lofi hiphop makes me like this, i'm sorreyyyy (._.)
anyways, what this note is actually for is:
are you guys okay with me reediting this story?
the reason why i want to do so is because i want to make it better, it's so messed up and i want to take everything slow.
it's okay if you guys don't want to, i can bare with it. it's totally okay so if you don't approve of my decision then please just let me know and i will not edit it.
see you guys later, love you!
