I sometimes confuse frustration for hate. I often feel it in me a lot when things aren't in my control. A few minutes ago I felt it when I saw Giselle's spring schedule with the previous understanding that we shared a week for finals. To make sure I wasn't too early in giving her a 'good luck' text I went to her school's website. I saw that her semester actually ended yesterday. Immediately I thought I felt hate inside me.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong; it's like all the tropes of an angsty Micheal Cera film are rammed to ten and beyond in my everyday.
In these last few weeks I've had enough time to think on it and come to the conclusion that I really do love Giselle B. I met her on the job while I was still working at Lolli and Pops in the Glendale Galleria in December. We had been together for three and a half months. I was already with Alyssa H., a coworker I had hooked up with since starting my job there. Admittedly I was cheating on her with Giselle, but I had come to realize quickly that I wanted to be with Giselle rather than Alyssa.
She was better in every way. We never had a forced conversation, our sense of humor was similarly dark and on going. Every time we spoke to each other she never sounded dumb or fake or trying to hard. I only wish I meant it when I said I wasn't seeing anyone else, but I meant it when I said she was the only one I cared about.
I told her my past and knew I didn't have to keep anything else from her. She saw my arms, and wiped away my tears.
She was sympathetic, caring,intelligent, driven, broken down, built back up by her own necessity,and everything I saw as perfect.
A few days before my birthday she texted me saying that she felt we needed a break. She explained it was due to our distance and school, that it didn't seem fair to me that she couldn't see me nearly at all anymore. I have had no reason not to believe her, so I accepted without anger nor dispute. But I was depressed. I constantly countered my feelings with some reasoning. Part of the reasons she gave was to focus on school; why would I think I was more important than that? People in other countries kill for school, either to have it or restrict it. Who was I to deny her this path she had set for herself a year before me?
But the year is over, and, for lack of better words, she's free.
Next week I have all to myself, I am going to come see her in Irvine. I'm going to tell her what she means to me and how much she means to me.
Recently she's revealed to me that she's considering changing her major, but doesn't know to what. I want to offer her both the chance for education and a relationship she feels better of maintaining with me. I want her to come and move in with me in my parent's house. Along with that to come and attend LACC with me. I know mom and dad like her very much but as well aren't about to invite freeloaders either. To prove to them that she is responsible and trustworthy she'll also get a job while staying with me. Hopefully this would push my parents to being more lenient in allowing her to stay rent-free. Showing that she is a responsible person who doesn't lay around the house, that she is getting an education and being productive outside of the house. Meanwhile she and I will look for an apartment. To also show that we don't plan on staying there forever (but I'm pretty sure my mom would mind a lot less than my dad).
But for right now I have to plan out my trip and make sure I get there and back safe and sound regardless of the outcome.
I love Giselle so much, I don't want to lose her. She's perfect. Just the way she is.
