Last night was, not a revelation, but definitely a sigh of relief.
I decided to text Giselle out of nowhere. We didn't text all day but it got more frequent later in the night. We got to shoot the shit a little bit and then I was able to talk to her about what had been on my mind lately. I told her about my depredations I had about when she told me she wanted to break up.I understood that it wasn't a decision that she made because she wasn't satisfied or happy with me. She did it because of school, but even so it still got me worried.
I used this chance to let her know what my concerns were and it went better than I had expected it, although it would've sent me over the moon if I had all my expectations fulfilled. But I'm in no position to ask that of her, so I didn't.
She let me know that she hadn't been with anyone else since our breakup, nor has that been the reason why she broke it off with me. Though it wasn't well received to hear that I had these ideas about it. She felt that I thought better of her than that. I told her that it was a knee-jerk reaction after two other relationships ended with the excuse of school despite both had been seeing other people. Still, Giselle wanted to be singled out in this judgment, something I was more than happy to do.
When she first told me she wanted to break up she said it was due to school. Not only that it had been taking time from us being able to go out, but that it had been killing her and putting so much pressure on her. She is a premed and human biology major. I can only imagine this was already a difficult major to maintain just from they way she spoke about it. Although this took me off guard I felt her reasons were valid, so I hadn't protested.
After a while it was getting harder and harder to process the break up in my head and I started developing these ideas and saw myself getting paranoid. At first I had thought she wasn't really up to anything, but later she wasn't texting back at all. I hadn't pressed her on it, I didn't think I needed to. Then I started thinking she forgot about me. Maybe it was her excuse to leave, especially since it was nearly impossible to see each other anyway? I started to think back on how I treated her and the way I acted around her; was I not polite or was I asking too much? Maybe I did when she mentioned to me that her dad wanted me to come out to her rather than have her coming to me every time. I tried once to come to her and was successful, her family was even excited and welcomed me in. I didn't even ask for a ride home, I left on my own.But then maybe that wasn't enough. I kept second guessing myself,thinking everything I did was wrong or just not enough to show that I wanted to be with her.
Though I kept coming back to one or two of the same memories that told me otherwise. The first was our first date. The entirety. Sitting in the mall and meeting each other for the first time, opening up to each other for something I was sure we both wanted.
But my favorite was the night we were coming home from the movies and we were walking home just getting off the bus. We were headed onto the underpass. As we walked down the side walk I quickly switched sides with her and walked street-side.She looked at me for a little bit until she stopped me, and almost out of nowhere she kissed me. I was happy to be kissed but I only asked why she did that, assuming it was unprompted. She said it was for walking street-side to her, and that I willingly did that for her. The best part of it was when she kissed me immediately again we just made out for a couple minutes right there. Immediately a car came down honking its horn at us; right on cue we each turned to the passing car and started yelling at cursing as loud as we could to it.That made me as happy as how I made Giselle right before. This gave me some hope to hold on to.
So when I got to talk to her again about this, I was more than relieved. I honestly want to be with her,I'd be willing to do whatever needed to make it work. But until then,there's not much I can do. I can work on myself so that in the event we do get back together she has a better version of myself to be with.
