Terrified

Flustered

            Sam jumped awake as the bunker’s door was slammed loudly. He sat straight in his bed, wondering why it had taken Dean so long to go out and drink himself stupid drunk.

He got out of the bed, wandering to the kitchen to grab something to eat. He knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep that night. At least not until Dean came back.

He made himself some salad and started eating while he waited for his big brother. Sometimes he wondered if Dean was ever going to grow up.

He knew his last words to Dean had been harsh but at the moment he had been so angry and hurt and terrified of all the things Dean would do to keep him around that he’d just wanted to make it stop.

But now after a few hours he could clearly see how Dean would take his words. Dean and his childish self loathe. Dean, who was constantly looking for a proof to tell him that no one wanted him.

It was only then that he noticed it was nearly dawn and Dean wasn’t back. He suddenly felt like bats were flying in his stomach so he went to check Dean’s room. He had no idea why but somehow he was dragged to go and take a look.

He opened the door and stepped inside, freezing dead still in the door way.

“Shit.” He whispered to the empty room. He attacked the empty walls where there used to be Dean’s weapons and then the very empty closet.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” he pushed back his hair and felt sick to his very core.

“What have I done?” he whispered to no one as he leaned against the now empty wall and fell to the floor. He felt like he was gonna break into shaky sobs any second.

Dean was gone. His big brother, the man he loved and depended on the most in this world. He knew this was not a good thing. Dean + the mark of Caine + feeling rejected and unwanted resulted nothing but disaster. He cursed himself inwardly for pushing Dean over the edge.

He wanted to look for Dean. He needed to. But he knew better than anyone that he wouldn’t find him. The Dean from 2 years ago he could find in a blink of eyes but the new Dean he knew squat about.

Lately he had spent so much time separating himself from his big brother that he didn’t have time to pay attention to the guy. And now he could see how wrong he had been. How was he so blind to Dean’s pain? His brother had needed Sam so much by his side that he had tricked him to let an angel in. Sam knew better than anyone how much Dean hated working with angels or demons. And now Dean was working with Crowley. He had after Sam had told him to leave. What made him not do it again now that he thought he had lost Sam for good?

He let his tears fall as he lied down on Dean’s empty bed. It smelt like Dean. the mixture of leather and shampoo and something sweet that was purely his brother. Even the mattress was still in the shape of Dean’s body.

He smiled bitterly as he remembered Dean telling him about the memory foam. It felt like years had passed since that day. He closed his eyes and let himself sink in the utter sadness that was taking over his heart.

It had only been a month ago when he thought everything was gonna be alright. Dean had finally opened up about his feelings and he had been ok and felt like there was hope for the two of them. That maybe this wouldn’t end bloody for them.

He thought about where Dean might be. Maybe he was with Cas.

Shit, Cas. Sam cursed  himself for being so stupid as he sat straight and called for his friend to come.

“Hey Cas, uh man I know you’re pretty busy but can you please come here? It’s Dean… he’s … uh… he’s gone. I need your help man. I don’t know what to do.”

Seconds later he heard the ruffles of wings and turned to face Cas.

“Sam? What is it?” he tilted his head in a worried expression.

“Dean… he just took off. I can’t find him.”

“Did you try?” came the reply and Sam let his head hang.

“No… i…”

“Sam I think Dean has a good reason for leaving. It’s best if you give him some space. When I told you to call him you should have done so, now is just too late.”

“You don’t know that Cas. This is Dean… he’ll always come back to me… he will never give up on me…”

The sad smile on Cas’ face did nothing to ease Sam’s uneasy stomach.

“Why did you call me here Sam?”

“Please find him and bring him back.” Sam said his voice low.

“Why would he come back Sam? So you can push him away some more? Truth is he’s just a human and he has limits. You …”

“Cas. Please. He has the mark of Caine and I think he might do something stupid. I know I messed up but right now is not the time for the pep talk.”

Castiel stared at him a moment longer before disappearing with another fluster of wings.