You asked me once, "How was it like loving him?"
Loving him? I had said. How was it like?
I picked at the edge of my cuticles. Out of habit, you know.
Loving him was like drowning, I began. Right when you think everything was going to be okay, it wasn't.
Water filled your lungs and you would hopelessly claw toward a surface.
Loving him meant giving a part of yourself away, and you got nothing in return.
It was as if a bullet hit your chest and you began to bleed out, and the only he had the first aid kit, but never used it on you.
Loving him was drinking poison, scorching your lips to your mouth to your throat all the way down through your body.
It was tripping and falling with no one to catch you, scraping your knees on the concrete and splitting your head open.
Loving him made your voice weak and your hands tremble.
But for a moment, you would believe that everything would be okay. Believed in change. Believed in a miracle, believed the was worth it.
Because whenever you touched him, your heart skipped a beat. He was a brilliant flame that caused a forest fire between you. He made you think about love.
I finished.
"What about now? What about him?" You pointed to the boy across the room from us, the one I'd just introduced to you.
The one I met after the boy who shown me what love was not suppose to be.
I couldn't help but smile.
Loving him? I had said. Loving him is like being high on life all the time, an endless wave of good music. He's like the sun, bright and full of life and endless energy.
Loving him was that random smile you find yourself expressing while you were up all night until 4 am thinking of him.
You're not drowning, you're soaring, hands outstretched to touch the sky - and him encouraging you to do so.
It's the feeling of completeness, like oh, I've found you. I've found you and I'm never letting go.
Loving him was confidence, and you can do anything you want because you're the most beautiful sporadic enigma he's ever seen.
Loving him is freedom.
I said, my eyes dancing.
He's made me feel more wonderful, more alive, and more like myself , escaping those times when life meant nothing but passing time.
I could never imagine a day without him because he makes me a better person.
And that was the difference, you see. I finished.
I never knew if that boy before loved me or not, but with him, it's an absolute.
There's no question.
I will never have to doubt, unlike the other people that cross through my life.
It wasn't believing in love, it just is.
