Letting Go: Shawna's Story

CHAPTER ONE

"You're out of your mind if you think this can work" Conrad shouted and pulled at his blond hair with frustration. "I can't do this, I can't" he snatched his jacket off of the couch and put it on. "Don't call me; I want nothing to do with him. This isn't gonna work Shawna, I can't live like this and I'm not gonna raise that baby." He shook his head and slammed the door shut.

I ran to the window and looked out. I watched him get in his car and speed off recklessly into traffic. I rubbed my stomach softly and bit my lip to prevent myself from crying. I was 17, pregnant and alone. How did I end up here and how could I let this happen to me?

I touched the cold windowsill and shuddered from the draft that came through the jagged crack in the window of my one room apartment. It was unbearable and certainly not warm or safe enough for a baby, I didn't know what to do. Sitting down on my rundown futon I shook my head at my dilemma. I was due in two days and didn't even have money to buy baby food or diapers.

Conrad promised me we would be married, get a nice place and we would be fine. Eight months into my pregnancy he changed his mind and wasn't in love with me anymore. I could hear the rain begin to tap lightly on the windows so I went into the kitchen to get the plastic bags I kept in the pantry to stop the rain from coming in.

I sighed deeply and taped the bag over the window; everything I did now made me tired. I recently lost my job as a waitress because the manager said I was moving too slowly and it was bad for business, so I was now without income and would possibly be homeless soon. My apartment was horrible and in an unsafe part of town, but it was all I could afford. The plastic on the window kept out the rain, but the cold draft from the harbor always managed to find a way to get in. I got up and put on my coat to try and keep warm, it was the only thing I could do without heat.

"Shawna, are you in there?" I heard my elderly neighbor knocking on the door.

She was a sweet woman that always wanted to help me out. She didn't have much, but what she did have she always tried to make sure that I had half of it.

"I'm here Ms. Marly" I answered and went to open the door. I realized the more the days passed, the slower I moved. I opened the door and to see her smiling brightly and I couldn't help but smile back. She was an elderly woman with skin the color of caramel and two deep dimples. It was obvious she was a beautiful woman when she was younger.

"Come in Ms. Marly!" I yelled and shuffled back to the futon to rest my swollen ankles.

"Hi baby, my social security check came today and I went out and bought a few things" she smiled and placed a plastic shopping bag onto my old wooden table. "I made some chicken and dumplings and I brought you a plate" She said happily and then stopped and looked at me with concern.

"Thank you so much Ms. Marly" I replied and pulled my long dark locks into ponytail. I tried not to frown when she began pulling things out of the shopping bags. I knew her check wasn't that much and I felt guilty when she spent it on me.

"It's not a problem, not at all" she replied before she sat down next to me. "Baby you look pale as a fish belly, have you been taking your vitamins?"

"That's the one thing I make sure I do" I answered and smiled when she placed a hand on my large stomach.

"Now let's see how he's doing today" she grinned. Ms. Marly said she could always tell how the baby was doing by how many times he kicked her when she touched my stomach. "Oh heavens, it looks like you're gonna have a star football kicker "she nodded before she walked back to the table and began to take the foil off of the plate of food she brought me." I want you to eat this baby, it's still warm" She handed me the plate and a fork.

I began to salivate before I took my first bite. "This is so good Ms. Marly, thank you so much" I garbled and shoveled the chicken in my mouth.

"No problem baby, I got diapers and baby blankets..." she looked around my place. "I know how cold it gets in this place and this rundown building..." she grimaced. "Let's see, bottles and a few other things you'll need"

"Don't do this" I stood up and shuffled toward her. She was a small woman with tons of gusto to be eighty. "You don't get much from your check and I don't want you spending it on me and the baby" I said touching a soft blue blanket she put on the table.

"Don't you tell me what to do young lady, I had four children and I outlived them all. They didn't tell me what to do and you won't either" she chuckled.

"But it's not your baby Ms. Marly..." I replied, sad and guilty. "You're not responsible..."

"That bothers me too, here you are due soon and you keep calling it baby. You don't have a name for it yet?" she asked with her hands on her hips.

I went into the kitchen and placed the empty plate into the sink. "I thought that I would name him Conrad, but now I don't know" I answered and tried not to tear up again. I turned away from her and began to rinse off the plate so I could give it back to her. I could hear her silence and turned to see her looking at a yellow card I had on the table.

"No, baby" she said sadly shaking her head. "Please don't do this..." she pursed her lips together, wanting to say more but couldn't form the words.

"I don't have a choice" I choked after she placed it back down. "I have no right, bringing this baby here, knowing I can't provide for it" I began to cry and she rushed over to hug me tightly.

"I'll help you baby, don't worry about any of that. Don't worry about money or nothing, that child is a gift of God and was meant for you, not someone else" she whispered as she gripped me tightly. "That baby is yours..."

We sat and talked for several hours, before she went back to her apartment across the hall. My apartment was freezing; I turned on the oven and opened the door so the apartment could warm up before I grabbed the few blankets stowed under my futon and cried myself to sleep in front of it.

I awoke the following morning, stiff from the cold air in the room. I could see my breath floating in the air around me as I wiped the sleep from my eyes and I blew onto my hands to warm them. I ate a bowl of cereal Ms. Marly gave me and slowly got dressed. I pulled on my mittens and worn out overcoat and stared at the yellow card. I grimaced before I picked it up off the table and studied it. Shaking my head, I frowned before I shoved the card in my pocket and walked out to battle the cold wind of Baltimore.